Building a Child’s Self Esteem (Ages 3-12)

By the age of three, about 85% of the brain has developed.  Those are crucial years.  I’ve taught at the preschool level and learned first-hand how little value those years have been given.  There should be plenty of funding and support for these years.

Some points to consider in building self-esteem:

3 to 5 year-olds

• Pride is emerging, along with self-conscious emotions like shame, guilt and embarrassment.  This prompts preschoolers to be more prone to being easily torn down and easily built up as well.
• Encourage your child’s sense of capability by encouraging a variety of activities.  Help your child to keep setbacks in perspective and to set realistic expectations.  Remind your child of progress and successes in the past.
• Praise only what your child does well rather than making general exaggerated comments.
• Acknowledge the difference your child is making, such as when your child helps around the house.  This lets your child know of his or her importance.
• When your preschooler does something wrong, help your child to gain his or her own conclusion to gain a better understanding of the world and how to succeed in it.

6 to 12-year-olds

• With school comes competition and evaluation, which can undermine your child’s self-esteem.  Kids will measure themselves against peers.
• It’s now more important than ever to praise efforts rather than specific accomplishments or general traits like intelligence.  Kids that are told they’re smart resist learning new things and limit themselves.  Kids who are taught the importance of working hard and concentrating thrive.  They are more motivated, perform higher and have higher self-esteem.
• Keep your child focused on self-improvement rather than shortcomings in relation to peers.  Explain how kids are good at different things, and that no one is good at everything.  Help your child figure out his or her strengths.  There may be an aspect of a sport or activity that your child does well, such as knowing and following the rules well.  Reward participation and effort.
• When setbacks happen, keep the focus on future improvement.  Practice with your child to participate in working toward a goal.
• Problem-solve together, allowing your child to come up with solutions first and then offering your input.  This will help your child see him or herself as a valued, thinking member of the family.
• When you express love to your child, set not limits on yourself!