As someone who has been raised in the US (but from India), that makes me an “ABCD – American Born Confused Desi (“Desi” means “from India”).” This designation is in contrast to an “FOB (Fresh off the Boat).” I was once married to an FOB who enlightened me on my label, with some derision, of course. We regularly engaged in some good-natured debating on who was “better.” I felt I was eclectic – able to choose what was best from two cultures and make it my own, a part of who I am. He thought I was just confused. Maybe so. I know that other ABCDs I’ve known have felt the same way, mostly confused.
As teens, we talked about our longing for India – the country and people left behind. To some extent, we felt that we were temporary visitors to the US. As a female, I felt that I left “sisters” behind – females who did not have the advantages I would by living in a country where opportunities were abundant.
Many of our parents were glad to have brought us to the country to further our lives. Yet at the same time, there was resistance to our mixing in too much with the “West.” We were to retain as much “Indianness” as possible, whatever that meant at the moment. There was much resistance, particularly with my own family, to a culture that was attractive enough to warrant moving here. I wondered at times, growing up, why we did move here if it was so terrible.
When I married the FOB, as was the plan for me, I learned that while I was busy measuring up to an Indian standard handed down to me, Indians in India were becoming more and more “American.” How ironic. I learned that my FOB spouse had in some ways already lived a more American life than I had, in India.
The country was evolving, even more rapidly recently. These days, it seems one can feel as American or Indian as one wants regardless of the country they actually live in. It’s really more a state of mind rather than actual geographic place. It’s possibly best to not even make a distinction. We’re just individuals influenced by our backgrounds at different levels.
Hi Pria….I feel like I need to to meet you..at least talk to you. I am also a ABCD..more bc of my upbringing..my culture was never explained to me..just this i sthe way it is done, don't ask questions. I too was labeled as thinking to much. I am married to a non indian …but raising children is a challenge. I don't want them to be ABCD – like too. I have a HUGE family that gets together often. they act like they are FOB, but family in India are way more westernized. My dilemma, I feel very ABCD with them..but many of my friends families have progressed. I feel very lost. I wish I was just one or th eother not always stuck in limbo.
how do you deal with this? do you see you indian family?
Hi Pria….I feel like I need to to meet you..at least talk to you. I am also a ABCD..more bc of my upbringing..my culture was never explained to me..just this i sthe way it is done, don't ask questions. I too was labeled as thinking to much. I am married to a non indian …but raising children is a challenge. I don't want them to be ABCD – like too. I have a HUGE family that gets together often. they act like they are FOB, but family in India are way more westernized. My dilemma, I feel very ABCD with them..but many of my friends families have progressed. I feel very lost. I wish I was just one or th eother not always stuck in limbo.
Hi Ami,
thanks for commenting. All of our situations are unique in some way, so how we handle it can also be unique. In general, it seems wise to come to terms with our upbringing and find a way to be eclectic – take the best of both worlds that we find ourselves in. Doing so can enrich our lives and help us feel more whole. I consider this issue to be so important that I created a separate blog devoted to it: http://www.chaicafemagazine.com. I hope you will visit it and perhaps comment and contribute to it.
The labels of ABCD and FOB are very general – there are of course a myriad of variations within those labels, just as everyone is very different. It's best to not see ourselves as black and white – either we fit in one label or not. As such, I would not worry about your kids being ABCD. All you can do is role model how you have taken the best you saw in different cultures to adopt, and perhaps they will do the same.
It's great that you have such a huge family. Mine was rather isolated – it was just us when we moved to the states. I do not know most of my relatives in India. My mother lives there now as well, and we communicate on the phone occasionally. My father passed a few years a go. My remaining 2 siblings in the US are currently sadly estranged.
Yes, it is interesting how family in India can be more Westernized – perhaps they didn't feel the need to be "Indian" as they live in India, but those that live in the US can be more on guard to remain "Indian." In a world that is only becoming more global, labels that define us based on the country we were born in will fade.