Pria Acharya

Pria Acharya is a mindful vegan mama, storyteller, and soul-rooted creator. Born in India, rising in the U.S., she blends ancient wisdom with modern clarity. Through film, books, and quiet rebellion, she helps others root deep, rise strong, and live aligned with compassion.

Building a Child’s Self Esteem (Ages 3-12)

 Children, Parenting, Self-esteem  Comments Off on Building a Child’s Self Esteem (Ages 3-12)
Feb 182010
 

Maya and Colin 1.10

By the age of three, about 85% of the brain has developed.  Those are crucial years.  I’ve taught at the preschool level and learned first-hand how little value those years have been given.  There should be plenty of funding and support for these years.

Some points to consider in building self-esteem:

3 to 5 year-olds

  • Pride is emerging, along with self-conscious emotions like shame, guilt and embarrassment.  This prompts preschoolers to be more prone to being easily torn down and easily built up as well.
  • Encourage your child’s sense of capability by encouraging a variety of activities.  Help your child to keep setbacks in perspective and to set realistic expectations.  Remind your child of progress and successes in the past.
  • Praise only what your child does well rather than making general exaggerated comments.
  • Acknowledge the difference your child is making, such as when your child helps around the house.  This lets your child know of his or her importance.
  • When your preschooler does something wrong, help your child to gain his or her own conclusion to gain a better understanding of the world and how to succeed in it.

6 to 12-year-olds

  • With school comes competition and evaluation, which can undermine your child’s self-esteem.  Kids will measure themselves against peers.
  • It’s now more important than ever to praise efforts rather than specific accomplishments or general traits like intelligence.  Kids that are told they’re smart resist learning new things and limit themselves.  Kids who are taught the importance of working hard and concentrating thrive.  They are more motivated, perform higher and have higher self-esteem.
  • Keep your child focused on self-improvement rather than shortcomings in relation to peers.  Explain how kids are good at different things, and that no one is good at everything.  Help your child figure out his or her strengths.  There may be an aspect of a sport or activity that your child does well, such as knowing and following the rules well.  Reward participation and effort.
  • When setbacks happen, keep the focus on future improvement.  Practice with your child to participate in working toward a goal.
  • Problem-solve together, allowing your child to come up with solutions first and then offering your input.  This will help your child see him or herself as a valued, thinking member of the family.
  • When you express love to your child, set not limits on yourself!  Maya and Colin 1.10

Building a Child’s Self-Esteem (to age 2)

 Children, Parenting, Self-esteem  3 Responses »
Feb 172010
 

I like to read about ways to improve myself, including the area of parenting.  In the parenting world, building the self-esteem of my preteen son and one-year-old daughter is important to me.  Here are some points I’ve gleaned:

Birth to Age 1:

  • Create a secure attachment with your child.  Try to know your child’s different cries and their meaning.  Take note of facial expressions and body language.  Make regular eye contact.  It’s even been shown that there is a connection between eye contact at a young age with higher grades later in high school.
  • Along with eye contact, cooing and mirroring says babies that they are worthy of love.  As the baby approaches the age of one, allow appropriate freedom to increase skills, while being there for falls, assuring your child that you will be there.  Praise freely at this age.

One to Two Year-olds:

  • Allow the process of letting self-esteem develop through the feeling of competence and capability.  We must find the balance between encouraging independence while providing clear boundaries and rules.  We should praise accomplishments, but not make generic, sweeping statements like “you’re brilliant.”  This can result in the child developing unrealistic expectations without a basis in skills or abilities and damage self-esteem in the long run.
  • Toddlers still need the reassurance that comes from hugging and cuddling.  Toddlers also need the comfort of limits.  A big goal of this period is to develop self-control, which is directly linked to self-esteem.  Use explanations instead of just the word “no.”  Focus comments on the behavior rather than the child.

Enhancing self-esteem includes a long-term supply of supportive words and gestures.  It’s never too early or late to do something to enhance a child’s self-esteem.

Pria with Maya at 11 Months

Tomorrow I will provide some points on enhancing self-esteem for three to 12 year-olds.

Source:  Ginny Graves – Redbook

My Daughter Turns 1

 Children, Motherhood, Parenting  Comments Off on My Daughter Turns 1
Feb 162010
 

My adorable daughter, Maya, turned one on February 8. We spread out her birthday celebration, doing different activities to accommodate her schedule. I am sharing some photos of this time period.

I look at her now and feel amazed at how intact she seems. I am so relieved and pray she continues to be healthy and happy. I think of all the issues and scares of the past year, feeling nervous about her fragile phases and worrying about various situations that I did not get perfect. There seemed to be soap that got in her mouth as an infant. Once her swing seemed to be swung too much and I worried about shaken baby syndrome. There’s been the constant threat of SIDS, that I hope she has graduated from. There have been many “bonks” as she learned to sit, stand, crawl, and now cruising in preparation for walking. Once she slipped off the couch, bonking her head. Stuff happened that I thought wouldn’t happen on my watch.

When she first learned to crawl, she crawled off the bed, completely freaking me out. The bed was no longer safe and I knew I would have to be constantly vigilant about where she crawled to, and navigate around my pets. Once she startled my sleeping Australian Shepherd (I didn’t notice he was where she crawled to) and ended up with a little cut in her ear and above her eye. I was freaked out again. I would have to referee better with him. I worry as she feeds the dogs from her high chair, holding out her tiny hand and crabbing my shepherd’s fur as he walks by.

I’ve generally been afraid of babies. I’ve thought they were cute, but too fragile to trust myself with. In fact, when I had my son in 1998, at 30, after 21 hours of labor, I wouldn’t hold him when he was offered to me. I was concerned about my strength at the moment and was afraid of dropping him. I was awkward trying to first put clothes on him, not sure about twisting his limbs into the clothes. Driving was a whole other concern.

I can’t say I’ve come far in my baby concerns since having my son, which my daughter has benefited from. In a sense, my experience validated my concern about their fragility. When he was two, he fell from a chair (while trying to turn the light switch on and off), just a few feet from me, and fractured his elbow. The total distance was about a foot, but he apparently fell wrong and I wasn’t fast enough in catching him. It seemed to happen in slow motion. A doctor asked, “why were you letting him climb on chairs?” Because I’m an irresponsible idiot! I had nightmares of him falling in slow motion for a long time.  I’ve felt for a long time like the best and easiest phase for me is adolescence – I can imagine many parents of adolescents cringe.

It may be a while, at least until Maya is five and going to kindergarten, that I will remain vigilant and before I can try to relax a little…

The Four Agreements

 Books, Finding balance, Personal Growth, Philosophy, Spirituality, Thoughts  Comments Off on The Four Agreements
Feb 132010
 

One of the nicest collection of words on living life is by Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements.  I keep the summary of the agreements in sight near my desk.  I am sharing this summary verbatim.  It wouldn’t hurt to read these agreements at the start of our days.

  • BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD:  Speak with integrity.  Says only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
  • DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY:  Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
  • DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS:  Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
  • ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST:  Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will void self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Blood-draw From Hell

 Children, Motherhood, Parenting  Comments Off on Blood-draw From Hell
Feb 082010
 

Today is my daughter’s 1st birthday!  In celebration, or rather, in poor planning, we had scheduled her one year doctor’s appointment this morning.  She had a few vaccinations at the doctor’s appointment and then we were sent nearby for a blood-draw.  We frantically tried to use her numbing ointment wherever we were told she would be pricked, but there seemed to be a disconnect between where we were told her blood-draw would be and where it ended up, so she didn’t have the ointment in the right place.

In hindsight, we should have rescheduled.  The ointment takes half an hour to take effect, and a blood-draw is more involved than getting a shot.  This would be her first.  We decided to “get ‘er done” since we were there and my husband had taken the time from work to help and be present.  My husband held Maya while I tried to distract her with a toy and hide the shot with a book (for both of us) while trying to feed her with her bottle.  It seemed to go on forever, but was maybe a minute or two when my husband said it was enough, while Maya continued crying.  I thought I was doing all I could to help my daughter survive the draw.

Maya - 11 Months

It turned out there was no blood drawn!  The aide was trying to find a vein!  All that time, she said nothing while pricking my daughter for nothing!  I don’t understand why she couldn’t just say she couldn’t find it before pricking her or during the unproductive process!  I would have told her to stop way before my husband did.  This unproductive process has been done with me and I know how painful it is (I had a whole line of co-workers watch while my arm was repeatedly pricked).  I can’t believe this was being done to my child, whose arm is a fraction of the width of mine.

I have a general frustration with some of the professional world that deal with children (and maybe shouldn’t), that seem to discount the pain kids feel.  It’s as if they think that if you can’t speak, you don’t feel pain, or that it somehow doesn’t matter.  I’ve read about surgeries done on babies with little pain relief.  It was after reading an article that I found out about the ointment we now use, which I requested a prescription for.  I don’t see why it wasn’t mentioned by the medical office or just used by them.  More and more, as a parent, I’m learning how proactive we must be in caring for and protecting our children.  It’s frustrating that we can’t always trust professionals in their care, at least not to the level we may want and prefer.

There are unfortunately many ugly realities of parenthood, with vaccinations and blood-draws being high on the list.  We can at least do what is within our power to make these ugly realities less so for our kids.

Instructions for Life (from the Dalai Lama)

 Finding Meaning, Spirituality, Thoughts  Comments Off on Instructions for Life (from the Dalai Lama)
Feb 042010
 

This is an oldie but still relevant, with the start of 2010:

  1. Take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk.
  2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
  3. Follow the three Rs:  Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions.
  4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
  5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
  6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
  7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  8. Spend some time alone every day.
  9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
  10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  11. Live a good, honorable life.  Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
  12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
  13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.  Don’t bring up the past.
  14. Share your knowledge.  It’s a way to achieve immortality.
  15. Be gentle with the earth.
  16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
  17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
  18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
  19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

More thoughts

Letter To My Daughter, Maya

 Children, Motherhood, Outlook, Parenting, Rituals, Spirituality  Comments Off on Letter To My Daughter, Maya
Jan 282010
 

My daughter is turning one soon and I’m doing some soul-searching about myself and the messages I would be giving

Maya's first dressed-up professional photo at 11 months

to her.  Some thoughts were coming to me (in the shower) about what I would want to say to her (and how I should be living and role-modeling this).  I started a letter to capture some of these and am sharing, as I thought it may be food for thought with the start of the new year.

I plan to keep it in electronic form and keep adding to it.  It would be a nice ritual by adding to it annually, and give it to her before college.  I have a chest where I keep keepsakes for my two kids to have someday – maybe I will put it in there.  I separately started keeping notes about her development from the year.  In case I end up not being around in her future, I want to share with her what I have learned thus far, that may be of use to her.

Letter to my daughter, Maya

Dear Maya,

It is such a privilege and honor to have you in my life and be your mom.  In case I am not able to do so in person when you are an adult, I want to share some life lessons I’ve learned that I wish my mother relayed to me, which may be relevant for you.

  • You create your own happiness
    • Do not let anyone, especially a man, control your level of happiness
  • Do not wait to be rescued – only you can rescue yourself
    • People around you may not have the ability to rescue you.
      • You are empowering them to believe they can control you and your state
        • Don’t give away this basic power that is only yours
    • Know when you are behaving like a victim and projecting that out to the world.
  • As a female, it is important that you understand, embrace, and LIVE the word “empowerment.”
    • Many events that can be viewed with sadness, such as a relationship ending (which truly did not serve you), can be viewed as empowering, if you allow yourself to see it that way.
    • Know and respect your power and don’t give it away to others
  • You can only expect from others the level of respect you give yourself
    • Never settle on this – know and stand up for the level that you deserve
  • Embracing your intelligence, intellectually and emotionally, is a good thing
    • Do not feel ashamed, question, doubt, and disregard what you know in your heart to be true.

Above all, be open to giving and receiving love.  Know that I have and will always love you.

With all my heart,

Your Mom

For more food for thought, check out my expanding collection of Quotes and Food For Thought

De-cluttering in January

 Organizing, Recycling, Rituals, Simplicity, Spirituality  Comments Off on De-cluttering in January
Jan 252010
 

With the start of the new year, as we put away the holiday stuff, it’s common for many to start focusing on cleaning and organizing our homes.  The evidence is apparent with what is on sale at the stores – storage bins, etc.

The annual ritual is sort of symbolic and related to needing to de-clutter our brains so we can begin anew.  I can recall needing to clean out a closet before studying for a big exam in college.  It was like then my brain had space.  Maybe it meant that I have OCD.

Regardless, January for me, along with many of us, means clearing out the past – literally and metaphorically, so we can make space for something new and different.  It is about letting go and allowing something new in.  I feel the letting go process every time I recycle, donate, and discard something, especially if I’ve held it for a long time.  I have files with newspaper clippings from the New York Times dated 1991 (maybe even before!)….I’ve moved a lot since then, so it’s weird thinking how often and how long some of this paper has traveled…

One of my (slow) goals is to go more and more paperless….There is a saying that paper should touch our hands only once.  It should then be either discarded (recycled) or filed.  I feel refreshed every time I see a space that I’ve de-cluttered and reclaimed for productive use.  It is an easy achievement I can pat myself on the back for.

De-cluttering and organizing adds to my sense of balance, simplicity, and more in line with my spirituality.

Helping Haiti

 Causes, Finding Meaning, Spirituality  Comments Off on Helping Haiti
Jan 212010
 

As most people, I’ve watched helplessly as the tragedy in Haiti has unfolded.  Tears sprung to my eyes as kids searched for parents, with one girl wondering if any female that walked by was her mother.  My heart went out to parents that lost children or who had to hold their child’s hand to help them cope with the prospect of amputation, and further dealing with the impact of this for their grim future in Haiti.

Although we donated to the Red Cross, it seemed very passive and frustrating that more can not be done.  I’m sure many of us have felt the urge to get on a plane and be there, which of course is impractical given the country’s infrastructure barely being able to allow the planes that are trying to get there, and other impracticalities that would make us get in the way of helping, along with our responsibilities at home.

Many of us are turning to our faiths and spirituality to try to make sense of it all.  I believe in reincarnation and that we have souls that go on.  I like to believe that there is a bigger plan that we may not be aware of.  It is comforting to think that the souls who lost their physical bodies in Haiti will be born again to live out their purpose and journeys.

I believe that our souls have been around perhaps for different lengths, so some of us may have older souls than others.  I’m sure some of us have felt this when thinking of others in our lives!  It can make us more compassionate to others if they don’t seem to “get it” or appear immature for their ages.  Maybe their souls are younger??  I think this way about my ex.

Regardless of the above beliefs, I do feel strongly that we have to do what is within our power to try to make the world a better place.  It is our moral obligation and “dharma,”  which is related to performing good acts and achieving good “karma,” which lasts into future lives.

On a practical level, in the realm of what we can do, many of us want to make sure that what we do donate does the maximum good.   Organizations that can help with sorting out the most effective charitable companies include Charity Navigator and Guide Star.  There has been some controversy regarding the salary of the CEO of the Red Cross (apparently $500-$700k).  This has been compared to the salary of the CEO for Hope for Haiti (apparently about $53k).  It seems Hope for Haiti has been focused on helping Haiti and perhaps your money can go further towards helping Haiti by donating to this organization.

Communication – Part 2

 Communication, Finding balance, Relationships  Comments Off on Communication – Part 2
Jan 142010
 

There are many techniques for communication between romantic partners, such as “speaker/listener” and “fighting fair” rules for handling conflict.  What does not seem to get much attention or focus is how all these techniques fit into a bigger picture.  We can’t have a great relationship by just following (trying, at least) any one technique.  Everything fits into a bigger picture of the health of our relationship.  If there is underlying tension, techniques may be ineffective, if what is needed, for instance, is time to have fun together.

So it seems that when thinking about communicating better with our mates, we have to think in terms of aspects of the relationship being in balance.  I know that with a baby, in particular, I have to try to be vigilant about my marriage getting enough attention.  It is easy to be focused on aspects of raising my children, particularly the demands of caring for an infant, that seem never-ending.  And then it is easy to only want to talk about her – her progress, what she needs, etc.  Then there is trying to keep up with the demands of a preteen, that sometimes go on the back burner as I tend to my baby.  Unfortunately, it is easy for my husband to end up last on the list for nurturing.  I am sure this is a struggle for many women.  We can hardly get to ourselves, who are very often at the very end of the list.

Awareness of the health of our relationship is important.  It then allows us to ascertain what is needed and to provide that when possible.  Maybe it means trying to squeeze in a quick supportive email or phone call.  We have to keep doing something everyday to maintain connection and not let the demands of our day get the best of us.  My husband and I try to take at least a few minutes at the end of the day to watch a funny show together and laugh together.  That is connecting and can defuse tension and stress, enabling more effective communication later.  It has been said that the most important aspect of keeping a marriage strong is friendship and having fun together.  We can’t lose sight of this as we find ways to communicate better and try to utilize techniques such as using “I” statements (“I feel…when you….”) instead of “you” (accusatory) statements.

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