Pria Acharya

The Four Agreements

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Feb 132010

One of the nicest collection of words on living life is by Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements. I keep the summary of the agreements in sight near my desk. I am sharing this summary verbatim. It wouldn’t hurt to read these agreements at the start of our days.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD: Speak with integrity. Says only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will void self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Blood-draw From Hell

Children, Motherhood, Parenting Comments Off

Feb 082010

Today is my daughter’s 1st birthday! In celebration, or rather, in poor planning, we had scheduled her one year doctor’s appointment this morning. She had a few vaccinations at the doctor’s appointment and then we were sent nearby for a blood-draw. We frantically tried to use her numbing ointment wherever we were told she would be pricked, but there seemed to be a disconnect between where we were told her blood-draw would be and where it ended up, so she didn’t have the ointment in the right place.

In hindsight, we should have rescheduled. The ointment takes half an hour to take effect, and a blood-draw is more involved than getting a shot. This would be her first. We decided to “get ‘er done” since we were there and my husband had taken the time from work to help and be present. My husband held Maya while I tried to distract her with a toy and hide the shot with a book (for both of us) while trying to feed her with her bottle. It seemed to go on forever, but was maybe a minute or two when my husband said it was enough, while Maya continued crying. I thought I was doing all I could to help my daughter survive the draw.

Maya - 11 Months

It turned out there was no blood drawn! The aide was trying to find a vein! All that time, she said nothing while pricking my daughter for nothing! I don’t understand why she couldn’t just say she couldn’t find it before pricking her or during the unproductive process! I would have told her to stop way before my husband did. This unproductive process has been done with me and I know how painful it is (I had a whole line of co-workers watch while my arm was repeatedly pricked). I can’t believe this was being done to my child, whose arm is a fraction of the width of mine.

I have a general frustration with some of the professional world that deal with children (and maybe shouldn’t), that seem to discount the pain kids feel. It’s as if they think that if you can’t speak, you don’t feel pain, or that it somehow doesn’t matter. I’ve read about surgeries done on babies with little pain relief. It was after reading an article that I found out about the ointment we now use, which I requested a prescription for. I don’t see why it wasn’t mentioned by the medical office or just used by them. More and more, as a parent, I’m learning how proactive we must be in caring for and protecting our children. It’s frustrating that we can’t always trust professionals in their care, at least not to the level we may want and prefer.

There are unfortunately many ugly realities of parenthood, with vaccinations and blood-draws being high on the list. We can at least do what is within our power to make these ugly realities less so for our kids.

Instructions for Life (from the Dalai Lama)

Finding Meaning, Spirituality, Thoughts Comments Off

Feb 042010

This is an oldie but still relevant, with the start of 2010:

Take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk.
When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Spend some time alone every day.
Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
Be gentle with the earth.
Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

More thoughts

Letter To My Daughter, Maya

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Jan 282010

My daughter is turning one soon and I’m doing some soul-searching about myself and the messages I would be giving

Maya's first dressed-up professional photo at 11 months

to her. Some thoughts were coming to me (in the shower) about what I would want to say to her (and how I should be living and role-modeling this). I started a letter to capture some of these and am sharing, as I thought it may be food for thought with the start of the new year.

I plan to keep it in electronic form and keep adding to it. It would be a nice ritual by adding to it annually, and give it to her before college. I have a chest where I keep keepsakes for my two kids to have someday – maybe I will put it in there. I separately started keeping notes about her development from the year. In case I end up not being around in her future, I want to share with her what I have learned thus far, that may be of use to her.

Letter to my daughter, Maya

Dear Maya,

It is such a privilege and honor to have you in my life and be your mom. In case I am not able to do so in person when you are an adult, I want to share some life lessons I’ve learned that I wish my mother relayed to me, which may be relevant for you.

You create your own happiness
- Do not let anyone, especially a man, control your level of happiness
Do not wait to be rescued – only you can rescue yourself
- People around you may not have the ability to rescue you.
  - You are empowering them to believe they can control you and your state
    - Don’t give away this basic power that is only yours
- Know when you are behaving like a victim and projecting that out to the world.
As a female, it is important that you understand, embrace, and LIVE the word “empowerment.”
- Many events that can be viewed with sadness, such as a relationship ending (which truly did not serve you), can be viewed as empowering, if you allow yourself to see it that way.
- Know and respect your power and don’t give it away to others
You can only expect from others the level of respect you give yourself
- Never settle on this – know and stand up for the level that you deserve
Embracing your intelligence, intellectually and emotionally, is a good thing
- Do not feel ashamed, question, doubt, and disregard what you know in your heart to be true.

Above all, be open to giving and receiving love. Know that I have and will always love you.

With all my heart,

Your Mom

For more food for thought, check out my expanding collection of Quotes and Food For Thought

De-cluttering in January

Organizing, Recycling, Rituals, Simplicity, Spirituality Comments Off

Jan 252010

With the start of the new year, as we put away the holiday stuff, it’s common for many to start focusing on cleaning and organizing our homes. The evidence is apparent with what is on sale at the stores – storage bins, etc.

The annual ritual is sort of symbolic and related to needing to de-clutter our brains so we can begin anew. I can recall needing to clean out a closet before studying for a big exam in college. It was like then my brain had space. Maybe it meant that I have OCD.

Regardless, January for me, along with many of us, means clearing out the past – literally and metaphorically, so we can make space for something new and different. It is about letting go and allowing something new in. I feel the letting go process every time I recycle, donate, and discard something, especially if I’ve held it for a long time. I have files with newspaper clippings from the New York Times dated 1991 (maybe even before!)….I’ve moved a lot since then, so it’s weird thinking how often and how long some of this paper has traveled…

One of my (slow) goals is to go more and more paperless….There is a saying that paper should touch our hands only once. It should then be either discarded (recycled) or filed. I feel refreshed every time I see a space that I’ve de-cluttered and reclaimed for productive use. It is an easy achievement I can pat myself on the back for.

De-cluttering and organizing adds to my sense of balance, simplicity, and more in line with my spirituality.

Helping Haiti

Causes, Finding Meaning, Spirituality Comments Off

Jan 212010

As most people, I’ve watched helplessly as the tragedy in Haiti has unfolded. Tears sprung to my eyes as kids searched for parents, with one girl wondering if any female that walked by was her mother. My heart went out to parents that lost children or who had to hold their child’s hand to help them cope with the prospect of amputation, and further dealing with the impact of this for their grim future in Haiti.

Although we donated to the Red Cross, it seemed very passive and frustrating that more can not be done. I’m sure many of us have felt the urge to get on a plane and be there, which of course is impractical given the country’s infrastructure barely being able to allow the planes that are trying to get there, and other impracticalities that would make us get in the way of helping, along with our responsibilities at home.

Many of us are turning to our faiths and spirituality to try to make sense of it all. I believe in reincarnation and that we have souls that go on. I like to believe that there is a bigger plan that we may not be aware of. It is comforting to think that the souls who lost their physical bodies in Haiti will be born again to live out their purpose and journeys.

I believe that our souls have been around perhaps for different lengths, so some of us may have older souls than others. I’m sure some of us have felt this when thinking of others in our lives! It can make us more compassionate to others if they don’t seem to “get it” or appear immature for their ages. Maybe their souls are younger?? I think this way about my ex.

Regardless of the above beliefs, I do feel strongly that we have to do what is within our power to try to make the world a better place. It is our moral obligation and “dharma,” which is related to performing good acts and achieving good “karma,” which lasts into future lives.

On a practical level, in the realm of what we can do, many of us want to make sure that what we do donate does the maximum good. Organizations that can help with sorting out the most effective charitable companies include Charity Navigator and Guide Star. There has been some controversy regarding the salary of the CEO of the Red Cross (apparently $500-$700k). This has been compared to the salary of the CEO for Hope for Haiti (apparently about $53k). It seems Hope for Haiti has been focused on helping Haiti and perhaps your money can go further towards helping Haiti by donating to this organization.

Communication – Part 2

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Jan 142010

There are many techniques for communication between romantic partners, such as “speaker/listener” and “fighting fair” rules for handling conflict. What does not seem to get much attention or focus is how all these techniques fit into a bigger picture. We can’t have a great relationship by just following (trying, at least) any one technique. Everything fits into a bigger picture of the health of our relationship. If there is underlying tension, techniques may be ineffective, if what is needed, for instance, is time to have fun together.

So it seems that when thinking about communicating better with our mates, we have to think in terms of aspects of the relationship being in balance. I know that with a baby, in particular, I have to try to be vigilant about my marriage getting enough attention. It is easy to be focused on aspects of raising my children, particularly the demands of caring for an infant, that seem never-ending. And then it is easy to only want to talk about her – her progress, what she needs, etc. Then there is trying to keep up with the demands of a preteen, that sometimes go on the back burner as I tend to my baby. Unfortunately, it is easy for my husband to end up last on the list for nurturing. I am sure this is a struggle for many women. We can hardly get to ourselves, who are very often at the very end of the list.

Awareness of the health of our relationship is important. It then allows us to ascertain what is needed and to provide that when possible. Maybe it means trying to squeeze in a quick supportive email or phone call. We have to keep doing something everyday to maintain connection and not let the demands of our day get the best of us. My husband and I try to take at least a few minutes at the end of the day to watch a funny show together and laugh together. That is connecting and can defuse tension and stress, enabling more effective communication later. It has been said that the most important aspect of keeping a marriage strong is friendship and having fun together. We can’t lose sight of this as we find ways to communicate better and try to utilize techniques such as using “I” statements (“I feel…when you….”) instead of “you” (accusatory) statements.

A New Year, a New Beginning

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Jan 102010

“Each year gives us new reasons to celebrate, new journeys to begin.”-unknown

This lovely saying is from the front of a card I keep on the board above my workspace, where it is always visible. It is also a very relevant saying as we begin the new year. I have refrained from making any formal resolutions. Instead, I try to be vigilant about any areas for improvement as they come up and take note to address.

January is International Life Balance Month (or quality of life month). It’s a great time to reflect on your life and think about the areas you want to see progress on. Maybe this will be the month and year that you do something about your passions. Maybe there is even a way to turn a passion into a side venture that can turn into something full-time. A recession can be viewed as an opportunity to really be doing something you want to be doing or at least make a start. I feel passionate about writing and being an entrepreneur. This year, I would like to go further with that interest.

What is holding you back? What can be done to get out of a rut if you find yourself in one? I have another quote on my board in front of me: “you will never really change your life until you change something you do daily.” This is very true and we have to aspire to trying to make any change, as minor as it may seem, EVERYDAY. Think about this everyday and be conscious of it.

Another quote I have on my desk, that I have had for many years, is by Henry David Thoreau on goals: “If one advances confidently in the direction of their dreams, and endeavors to lead a life they have imagined, they will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

I wish you all new journeys to begin and new reasons to celebrate. Happy new year!

Staycation vs Vacation

Finding balance, Travel, vacation Comments Off

Jan 042010

Over New Years, we decided to stay in our Denver vicinity and stayed at a hotel about forty-five minutes away from home for two days. It was fun and relaxing to have a short drive and check out “our backyard.” Although there seemed to be a lot of last-minute packing and logistics for a near-by trip, this was due mostly to having an infant and pets to manage while we were away.

We had considered going to the Maya Riviera in Mexico, but our lack of planning early enough had meant the cost would be about $1k a day, which seemed too indulgent and unpredictable with an infant. So we are hoping to do it later on, given enough planning and maybe getting a good deal.

We toured the Molly Brown House on the way to the hotel. My son had never seen it and it was a good follow-up to having seen her movie, “The Unsinkable Molly Brown” and “Titanic.” He received more insight into the town he was born in, which he appreciated. Seeing the home decorated for Christmas was a bonus. We learned interesting tidbits such as a local town, Arvada, having been the world capital of celery, and how the currently uncelebrated vegetable was a delicacy back then.

The Molly Brown House

We got a deal at the Embassy Suites and like the family-orientation of having suites with a dividing door to boot. The first night, on the 30th, my baby ended up sleeping curled up towards my husband’s arm pit after struggling with teething a few times during the night.

The next day, we enjoyed time in the pool, hot tub, gymn, Indian buffet across the street and catching a matinee of “Cloudy with Meatballs.” It was the first time we took our baby to a movie theater. She did fine overall, sleeping through most of it on my lap.

Since we normally are in bed by 10pm due to having an infant that has been getting up by 5am, we struggled to make it to midnight on the 31st. We promptly passed out after the ball dropped in NY, with our baby in her playpen next to our bed. We decided we don’t need to try to stay up anymore! After all, Denver is two hours behind NY, and we can pretend it’s midnight at 10pm.

A quick escape at the hotel on New Year's

It is nice to consider a low-stress staycation here and there. It is easy to find weekend deals at hotels in any city. One gets to check out their city and areas they may be too busy to explore at other times. Especially when a baby may not cooperate and their schedule must be accommodated, it’s nice to know that you are not spending a lot and didn’t spend a lot of time and energy getting there.

I look forward to future well-planned vacations with my family away from home along with staycations near our home when we have occasional opportunities on weekends. There is merit and room for both! Staycations can add more balance to our lives by giving us a mini break without a lot of expense or stress.

Colin and Maya 1.1.10

My Baby’s First Christmas

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Dec 292009

It was great to be celebrating my 10 month-old baby’s first Christmas! There are so many “firsts” and I’m looking forward to all. It was fun shopping for her, although she would have been happy with wrapped-up paper and anything I don’t want her to get into.

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