You love me…
but only want a small piece of me,
the piece you accept and approve.
You love me,
but don’t see me.
You love me,
but don’t hear me.
You love me,
but would rather not be with me.
You love me,
but don’t know me.
You love me,
but you lie to me.
You love me,
but you betray me.
You love me,
but you lost me..
I have to let all of you go,
to find the love
that accepts all of me…
You were thoughtless.
I overlooked. Drip..
You were inconsiderate.
I thought maybe I misunderstood..Drip…
You were insensitive.
I thought maybe I was too sensitive. Drip…..
You were dishonest.
You said I was paranoid. Was I? Drip…drip…
You were hiding…this…and that…
I shouldn’t be looking…Drip…drip…
You hurt my feelings…repeatedly…
You said I hold grudges. Drip…drip…
You and your family disrespected me.
I must be needy. Drip…drip…
You hit me.
You said that is in the past, and
Why aren’t you healed yet?
Why aren’t you forgiving?
Why don’t you move on?
Drip…drip…drip…
In my calmest and most clarified moments, I see…that all is well. Regardless of the choices made and paths taken, in the end, no matter what, all will be well. As we near our end, there is not much that will matter or concern us. We must let go of all there was and choose peace with all there is and is not. What other options would we choose? Would we consider ending our lives in anger, regret, remorse, or grief?
None of us were given manuals on how to live our lives. Day by day, we try to learn about ourselves and how to care for and honor ourselves. How can we make a judgment call of what is good or bad for someone? We do not know all there is about life. We do not know from that which we came and we do not know where we will go. All we have is the time allowed and the paths in front of us. We determine the paths chosen and how gracefully we can walk on them.
All we can do is just be. Be in the moment fully. That is all we have at any given moment. We can not judge these moments. They just are. Each moment is a gift to be mindful of, respect, and cherish. Our moments savored are nourishing rain drops for our soul. Our enriched soul can then come forth to awaken, be seen, heard, and honored. Awakened souls united can enrich the world.
We can not decide or determine how long we are here or have others in our life or in this world. What are they trying to teach us about ourselves? What do we learn, understand, respect and honor about ourselves through our relationships? They are there for us to find ourselves. Others must be allowed to find their own paths towards the directions they seek. Their paths and journeys belong to them. We can not trespass on their paths, but patiently and respectfully hope to be invited to share their journeys as we allow them the privilege to share in ours.
Most of life is beyond our control. We must simply be and feel all that we are and can become. Being open to our heart, intuition and soul can allow us to accept, acknowledge and allow all there is…to meet, recognize and embrace our authentic self. In the end, it is our true self we will be with.
Abusers want you to believe they have big hearts, if you dig down far enough, as you’re repeatedly told and encouraged to believe, by them and those under their influence and control. Still can’t find their hearts? The problem, you see, is that “you’re” not digging enough, you with that small heart…If only your heart was bigger, more compassionate and forgiving, you would be digging even more and could clearly see their big hearts…so that you can be vulnerable to more abuse…See how this process works? This tactic is part of gaslighting, a term used to describe a process abusers use to make you doubt yourself (never them).
The people with the actual big hearts don’t need for you to dig to find their hearts. They are clearly evident through their words and behavior. You can feel these loving hearts when you are around them. You feel loved, respected and regarded. You will not feel that around the personality disordered or other Cluster B individuals. You will be forced to melt into their audience, where you can bask in their glory, if approved and privileged enough to do so.
Healthy people don’t make others talk to you about their big hearts, after abusing you, as dysfunctional people do. Healthy people don’t abuse you at any level to begin with. Why would they need to? They’re healthy and fine with you being healthy too. You feel comfortable around them, a better version of you, not diminished. Healthy people don’t need for you to feel worse about yourself so they can feel better about themselves. They’re not jealous or threatened by your confidence, success, peace, and happiness as narcissists are. They have plenty of their own.
The term, “co-parenting” with a narc is actually a paradox. There is absolutely no co-parenting with a narc. The concept is counter to their inherent make-up. Understanding and accepting this would go far in helping a parent stuck in this situation to cope.
If you are divorced from a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath, it is guaranteed your ex will try to alienate your children from you. So that requires vigilance on your part to make sure you do not end up a target parent and alienated from your children. One way to ensure this is to teach your kids to not be open to listening to anything about you from your ex. There will be nothing truthful or positive stated about you, guaranteed.
Direct negative comments do not even have to be stated about you to alienate you. There can be undermining and your ex coming across like a victim to your child, because of you. For instance, that child support paid to you victimizes your ex and keeps him poor, because of you…This provides him with sympathy from your child and to see you negatively…you hurt their dear parent, someone they are building increasing loyalty towards..with enough victim stories making you the perpetrator, you can become a target parent…without you even realizing.
Your child is oddly quiet after time with the narc parent? Don’t assume this is a normal part of recovering from divorce for your child. Take your child to see a counselor to cope with the divorce and the specifics of the abuse you experienced from the narc.
Your teen is disengaged and rebellious? Normal adolescence? No!!! Never assume any phase is “normal” when there is a narc parent involved. Assume the worst and get help. Better to be safe than sorry.
The support your child receives must be specific to addressing being raised by a narc parent and what that means. This means you child is not being validated for being a separate, worthwhile human being who should be empowered to be his best. He is being taught to be narc supply – someone to worship the narc and never go against him, and to disregard and potentially discard you. The narc is trying to “win” the on-going war he has with you, even if you don’t want to think your child is in a war, he is.
The general policy to use when trying to raise a child “with” a narc is to assume the worst, NEVER the best. Assume that everything possible is being done to destroy you and your relationship with your child – and go address that. Hypervigilance has new meaning and becomes the mode of being when in the unfortunate situation of being legally forced to raise a child with a narc.
I know, first hand, that there is nothing positive or healthy about being raised by narcs, only stuff you can hope to recover from later. Until the legal system and family courts recognize that those with NPD can not raise healthy children and only abuse, the other parent is left to manage parenthood with hands tied and then be potentially erased or worse, as many target parents are, every day.
An easy popular weeknight or any night kid favorite meal is naan pizza.
Just spread your favorite sauce, toppings and cheese (or not) and you’re done!
My 6 year-old loves basil pesto on the naan, along with mozzarella. I can normally add a green like kale or spinach as toppings without protest.
“Many problems that we take for granted are not really necessary; they arise from attention getting distracted and caught without our consent. For example, all of us are familiar with the toll negative memories can take. When they come up, they simply won’t let us alone. They claim our attention, and dwelling on them only makes them stronger. The mind gets upset until finally the body begins to suffer. But if you can turn attention away, just as you do in meditation, the memory will gradually lose its emotional charge. The memory itself is not lost; it simply loses its compulsive hold on you.”
– Eknath Easwaran
There is much press about following one’s passion. Many of us are possibly wondering if we are doing that and how to go about that if not. Do you quit your job and “follow your passion?” I recall a Dr. Phil show on this topic. One man was trying to pursue his music passion while his wife tried to be patient yet there were the financial needs of the family to consider. There was another show, perhaps a “wife swap” where there was the pursuit of being a clown. Music and an appreciation of the value of humor through being a clown are wonderful passions and pursuits.
At the same time, if we see a middle-aged man quit his successful and respected job that provides for his family to pursue a “passion” that does not provide for his family, we might wonder if there is a mid-life crisis, at least. So are there parameters and limitations to pursuing one’s passion? Ordinarily, when starting a small business out of one’s passion, the general advice is to start on the side and wait for it to reach a reasonable economic level to support you before quitting your day job.
Most of us have activities we enjoy that is part of our “play.” Maybe it’s golf, tennis, dance, or some artistic activity that gives us a break from our career or job. Should this play activity be converted into a career or kept as play after our “serious” job? There must be many, particularly in middle age, or after a lay-off, who may be asking themselves some of these questions. Is a lay-off a time to consider a career change or pursuit of the same area to play it safe? When is the time to pursue your passions while still being responsible? Maybe we can carve out some balance of responsibilities and some dose as often as possible of play and exploring our passions.
“Now I See the Moon” by Elaine Hall is a story about a mother and son’s journey as he is diagnosed with autism. As an acting coach, Elaine uses her resources in helping him become more independent. In the process, she creates The Miracle Project. The organization utilizes the performing arts as a connecting point for children with autism. Children at various levels of autism find expression, collaboration, and higher self-esteem as they learn to perform together. It is an intriguing concept and one I would love to try with my kids. I can imagine how much enjoyment they could have.
Elaine also describes her struggles and triumphs as she adopts a boy from Russia with challenges. She must also face a marital environment that poses a further challenge and eventually finds the strength through her spirituality to move on. She regularly looks to her spirituality to guide her, which leads her to having a meaningful and rich life.:
The title of the book is from the quote by Mizuta Masahide: “Barn’s burnt down – now I can see the moon.” Any parent dealing with autism in their children can relate to this quote. We see the moon every day in our children as barns burn down…
Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of spending the time to make a healthy snack; sometimes we just need something to munch on while you’re on the go. Here are 5 healthy snacks that are quick, easy, and healthy!
1. Raw almonds, cashews, or walnuts – I keep a bag of them in my desk!
2. String cheese – low-fat and diet friendly, pair it with an apple for a more satisfying snack.
3. Dried fruit – look for the kind with no added sugar. Pineapple slices and dried cherries are my favorite!
4. Nutrition/Protein Bar – be careful with these. Some of them are packed with sugar. Look for low sugar, and higher protein and fiber. Select one that is 200 calories or less.
5. Dry-roasted edamame – low cal and full of protein, this is a great snack!
Source:
EH_Caitlin: Everyday Health