Communication - Pria's Ponderings

Communication – Part 2

Communication, Finding balance, Relationships Comments Off

Jan 142010

There are many techniques for communication between romantic partners, such as “speaker/listener” and “fighting fair” rules for handling conflict. What does not seem to get much attention or focus is how all these techniques fit into a bigger picture. We can’t have a great relationship by just following (trying, at least) any one technique. Everything fits into a bigger picture of the health of our relationship. If there is underlying tension, techniques may be ineffective, if what is needed, for instance, is time to have fun together.

So it seems that when thinking about communicating better with our mates, we have to think in terms of aspects of the relationship being in balance. I know that with a baby, in particular, I have to try to be vigilant about my marriage getting enough attention. It is easy to be focused on aspects of raising my children, particularly the demands of caring for an infant, that seem never-ending. And then it is easy to only want to talk about her – her progress, what she needs, etc. Then there is trying to keep up with the demands of a preteen, that sometimes go on the back burner as I tend to my baby. Unfortunately, it is easy for my husband to end up last on the list for nurturing. I am sure this is a struggle for many women. We can hardly get to ourselves, who are very often at the very end of the list.

Awareness of the health of our relationship is important. It then allows us to ascertain what is needed and to provide that when possible. Maybe it means trying to squeeze in a quick supportive email or phone call. We have to keep doing something everyday to maintain connection and not let the demands of our day get the best of us. My husband and I try to take at least a few minutes at the end of the day to watch a funny show together and laugh together. That is connecting and can defuse tension and stress, enabling more effective communication later. It has been said that the most important aspect of keeping a marriage strong is friendship and having fun together. We can’t lose sight of this as we find ways to communicate better and try to utilize techniques such as using “I” statements (“I feel…when you….”) instead of “you” (accusatory) statements.

Communication – Part 1

Communication, Finding balance, Relationships Comments Off

Nov 132009

There is much I’ve learned and much I’m still trying to learn and practice about the mysterious art of communication. In terms of the literal form of the written and spoken word, I feel quite comfortable. As an immigrant, I learned English after the age of 7. I knew 5 other Indian languages until then. I got so comfortable with the written language that I chose to major in it in college.

I liked the spoken part too. I began participating in public speaking contests as a preteen and was on the Debate team in high school, focusing on original oratory. That meant I competed in giving speeches. As a newcomer, I was able to surpass more experienced peers after memorizing a speech overnight. I ended up as a quarter-finalist in NC.

This past experience of course did not necessarily translate into interpersonal communication success. When it comes to relationships, it’s not about how well you are able to write or speak. Maybe this is where my Psychology degree is supposed to help. Unfortunately, I’ve learned just knowing stuff doesn’t necessarily translate into practice and success. There must be efforts made on both sides. Both must be interested in developing something of value to both parties. Then the fun begins!

My last ex-husband accused me of reading too many “self-help” books. I saw it as reading “self-improvement” books, and what’s wrong with that?? I want to make the most of myself and my life, so don’t I want to learn as much as I can about myself and the world? I suppose not everyone is so inclined. Regardless, the reading at least lets me blog some on this topic and share what I’ve learned from my reading and experiences, and spare you the trouble and time.

One of the lessons I’ve learned (but don’t always remember) is that men and women truly are different in their communication and perceptions. We need different things. A “Today” show male panelist on gender differences recently stated that women want compliments and men want praise. I thought about how that truly is different. He clarified the difference with the example that women want compliments such as “you look pretty in that dress.” We want to be noticed and know that our men still find us ravishing! Every day.

Men on the other hand, want praise for a job well done. That means women have to appreciate stuff we wouldn’t normally assume that men need appreciation for. It’s stuff we do all the time and keep doing it out of a sense of responsibility. It’s annoying to us to have to make men feel like super heroes for the same work. However, that’s apparently what they need. It’s like Pavlov’s dog in Psych 101, where the dog was trained to salivate at the sound of a bell by association. So with enough practice, women can train men through praise to do all the things they want them to do and how they want them to do it. Of course, most women find this to be too much work and thought, so they do what needs to be done themselves and move on…

My Husband and I, Trying to Perfect the Art of Communication

Communication Series – Intro

Communication, Finding balance, Finding Meaning, Relationships Comments Off

Nov 122009

Being on my third marriage, an area of vital importance I’ve been exposed to is communication. Obviously, for one reason or another, I have not always been successful (or my companion). It’s hard to know who to blame at times or if anyone can be blamed. I just know that for various reasons, it just doesn’t always work. Some of those reasons include a gender-basis, my past experiences and the companion’s, or my luck in who I’m with or poor skills in picking a companion! That last part can have tons of psychological stuff behind it, like picking people like our parents, functional or not, because of stuff we’re trying to work out! ***sigh*** It can feel hopeless at times and the world of being single and not having to put effort in this area seems tempting to many…

Alas, we must try to learn about the art of communication if we desire building connection with our mates and children. As we feel rewarded for our growth in this area through greater connection, we also feel better individually. We feel more confident, more confident, and more joyful. Without good communication, we begin to feel disconnected and empty.

Issues in my marriages were varied, but difficulty in communication played a big role. After my first arranged marriage (without choice) at 18 ceased after 5 years of my plugging away probably needlessly, communication with the individual was also terminated indefinitely (without my choice). It seemed strange to share intimacy and build a life including a social circle in a new city for 5 years and then pretend those 5 years and everything related to those years didn’t exist. All my efforts seemed wasted. Over the years, I tried to glean some value from the years, including how I could have communicated better, to include asserting myself through communication. Some of this struggle seemed thwarted by my Asian Indian upbringing (maybe another series in the future!).

Enter the next phase of my marital relationship and other communication struggles, bigger and for twice the number of years, and partly still continuous through a child. This time, my lack of experience with my myself, the opposite gender, and the world (thanks partly to my conflicted, strict Asian Indian upbringing) contributed to what Steven Covey has stated, “placing my ladder up against the wrong building.” No matter how much I tried to climb, I was still up against the wrong building! That became apparent only after 10 years of struggling to communicate and trying to feel like I was getting somewhere. All I was achieving was losing even more years of my life to a useless cause.

Once we are beyond being in relationships that are wrong for us and where communication is not the issue, but rather finding a worthwhile “building to place our ladders up against first,” we can then focus on trying to communicate to build connection. That is where I feel I am now. Stay tuned for a continuation on this topic – Part 1 of what I have learned and trying to learn and practice.

My Family and I 7/8/09