The term, “co-parenting” with a narc is actually a paradox. There is absolutely no co-parenting with a narc. The concept is counter to their inherent make-up. Understanding and accepting this would go far in helping a parent stuck in this situation to cope.
If you are divorced from a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath, it is guaranteed your ex will try to alienate your children from you. So that requires vigilance on your part to make sure you do not end up a target parent and alienated from your children. One way to ensure this is to teach your kids to not be open to listening to anything about you from your ex. There will be nothing truthful or positive stated about you, guaranteed.
Direct negative comments do not even have to be stated about you to alienate you. There can be undermining and your ex coming across like a victim to your child, because of you. For instance, that child support paid to you victimizes your ex and keeps him poor, because of you…This provides him with sympathy from your child and to see you negatively…you hurt their dear parent, someone they are building increasing loyalty towards..with enough victim stories making you the perpetrator, you can become a target parent…without you even realizing.
Your child is oddly quiet after time with the narc parent? Don’t assume this is a normal part of recovering from divorce for your child. Take your child to see a counselor to cope with the divorce and the specifics of the abuse you experienced from the narc.
Your teen is disengaged and rebellious? Normal adolescence? No!!! Never assume any phase is “normal” when there is a narc parent involved. Assume the worst and get help. Better to be safe than sorry.
The support your child receives must be specific to addressing being raised by a narc parent and what that means. This means you child is not being validated for being a separate, worthwhile human being who should be empowered to be his best. He is being taught to be narc supply – someone to worship the narc and never go against him, and to disregard and potentially discard you. The narc is trying to “win” the on-going war he has with you, even if you don’t want to think your child is in a war, he is.
The general policy to use when trying to raise a child “with” a narc is to assume the worst, NEVER the best. Assume that everything possible is being done to destroy you and your relationship with your child – and go address that. Hypervigilance has new meaning and becomes the mode of being when in the unfortunate situation of being legally forced to raise a child with a narc.
I know, first hand, that there is nothing positive or healthy about being raised by narcs, only stuff you can hope to recover from later. Until the legal system and family courts recognize that those with NPD can not raise healthy children and only abuse, the other parent is left to manage parenthood with hands tied and then be potentially erased or worse, as many target parents are, every day.
