Children - Pria's Ponderings

Letter To My Daughter, Maya

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Jan 282010

My daughter is turning one soon and I’m doing some soul-searching about myself and the messages I would be giving

Maya's first dressed-up professional photo at 11 months

to her. Some thoughts were coming to me (in the shower) about what I would want to say to her (and how I should be living and role-modeling this). I started a letter to capture some of these and am sharing, as I thought it may be food for thought with the start of the new year.

I plan to keep it in electronic form and keep adding to it. It would be a nice ritual by adding to it annually, and give it to her before college. I have a chest where I keep keepsakes for my two kids to have someday – maybe I will put it in there. I separately started keeping notes about her development from the year. In case I end up not being around in her future, I want to share with her what I have learned thus far, that may be of use to her.

Letter to my daughter, Maya

Dear Maya,

It is such a privilege and honor to have you in my life and be your mom. In case I am not able to do so in person when you are an adult, I want to share some life lessons I’ve learned that I wish my mother relayed to me, which may be relevant for you.

You create your own happiness
- Do not let anyone, especially a man, control your level of happiness
Do not wait to be rescued – only you can rescue yourself
- People around you may not have the ability to rescue you.
  - You are empowering them to believe they can control you and your state
    - Don’t give away this basic power that is only yours
- Know when you are behaving like a victim and projecting that out to the world.
As a female, it is important that you understand, embrace, and LIVE the word “empowerment.”
- Many events that can be viewed with sadness, such as a relationship ending (which truly did not serve you), can be viewed as empowering, if you allow yourself to see it that way.
- Know and respect your power and don’t give it away to others
You can only expect from others the level of respect you give yourself
- Never settle on this – know and stand up for the level that you deserve
Embracing your intelligence, intellectually and emotionally, is a good thing
- Do not feel ashamed, question, doubt, and disregard what you know in your heart to be true.

Above all, be open to giving and receiving love. Know that I have and will always love you.

With all my heart,

Your Mom

For more food for thought, check out my expanding collection of Quotes and Food For Thought

Recording Memories

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Dec 222009

With the start of winter break for my preteen son, I am hoping to get caught up with scrap-booking his childhood pictures with his help. So far, there has been a lot of selling with not much buying. I showed him the end result, some of his baby pictures in the book, and how much he would enjoy them later, how HIS kids would not like to go through a chaotic pile of pictures.

All these points, he was fine with, but the end result was that after initially organizing a few pictures by age, as requested, he wandered off to watch Jurassic Park Part III and suggested under his breath that maybe I do the scrap-booking instead. I thought he had a point in that it is MY hobby. He wouldn’t even know what to say next to the pictures as it is from my perspective and he wouldn’t remember what was going on in the pictures.

Still, I had hoped some artistic interest would call out to him. I’m hoping he will get more involved when I get to an artistic part. And I just need the help as I am still trying to finish his newborn pictures. His pictures are from a time when digital cameras were just starting to enter the scene. They were big, clunky objects. So everything I shot was developed, good or bad, that needs to be scrap-booked, since 1998. ***sigh*** I dream of being done by New Year’s so that I can try to get caught up with my daughter’s book. I don’t want to wait too long as it gets harder to figure out what to write along with the pictures. Plus her pictures are all on the computer, so I have to first get them developed.

Then of course there are all the pictures in between, vacations and so forth. Will I ever get caught up? I also have a birth-record cross-stitch that I started when I was expecting my son. It is barely 1/4 done and I hope to complete it for my daughter.

I enjoy the idea of recording memories. I picture my kids leafing through their books long after I’m gone, feeling like they have a better sense of themselves and my view of them as they were growing up. I know I would treasure something like this, and I imagine that they would as well. I love photography and scrap-booking my children’s lives seems like a meaningful utilization of my photographic interest.

It is possible that I’m spending way too much time and energy on recording memories rather than making them, but for now, I have to plod forward to satisfy the “Monk” (our favorite TV show about the obsessive-compulsive detective) in me. I hope I am rewarded someday by finding much meaning and comfort in my recorded memories.

Rituals

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Nov 182009

Being bi-cultural, I’ve had to give some thought to the rituals and holidays I want to incorporate for my family. Not living in India, it is challenging to celebrate Indian holidays to the level I would like. Sometimes, I am not able to remember or keep up with certain Indian holidays if I don’t see reminders somewhere, such as the Indian store. This is not an issue for Western holidays of course. There are reminders everywhere. Even though Thanksgiving has not arrived yet, we are all being reminded of Christmas. Culturally, I am fine with holidays that I grew up with here in the US playing a bigger part. All the holidays of any culture celebrate something nice, centered around love. Any language or culture that is expressed in is fine with me. With that in mind, I admit I enjoy the spirit of the Christmas season. I take part in decorating my home, singing Christmas carols with my family, and celebrating at my Unitarian church, along with baking what I can. Despite these rituals, I still consider myself a Unitarian and Hindu. If I were in India, the holidays and related celebrations there would get more prominence in my home.

Outside of the major holidays, I try to incorporate other rituals for my family. One ritual we have started is to celebrate my infant daughter’s monthly birthdays. Since she was born on the 8th, we celebrate the 8th of every month. Recently, for her 9-month celebration on November 8th, I cooked food I knew she would enjoy (spaghetti, which is fun finger food for her) and other goodies for us. She received toys and we sang and danced to the song we have decided is hers from us, Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours.” We have been singing this to her since the beginning of her life, and she seems to recognize it.

As an outcome of Maya’s monthly celebrations, I thought we should celebrate my son’s, so he is not left out. Then I thought why leave out my husband and I? With that in mind, My husband is celebrating his monthly birthday today, since he was born on the 18th. So yesterday was Colin’s Day and today is Porter’s Day. I’ve already put it on the calendar for next month and am looking forward to my day on the 9th. The rule is that you get to do whatever you want (within reason) and get an excuse to treat yourself. So my husband would say he had a good start this morning, which included not having to drop my son off to school since a neighbor started doing so. My daughter slept through the night and we got decent sleep as a result. Then he treated himself to the lunch he wanted and he gets to do whatever he wants tonight, which will probably include tennis since it is not too cold today, along with having the dinner and dessert he wants.

Since we didn’t realize it was Colin’s day yesterday until the evening, he is getting part of the day today for himself. That means Mom is doing everything! All the chores fall on me. Although, I am looking forward to tomorrow, the 19th, as it is no one’s day, I am also looking forward to Pria’s Day on the 9th. It is nice to have a day per month to do nice things for ourselves guilt-free and have a day to always look forward to!

Porter and Maya on a nice September day at church.

The Perfection Curse

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Nov 022009

Irisis For much of my life, my ideals have led me towards perfectionistic tendencies. It has meant I have often been harder on myself than was appropriate or kind. Of course, there can be many reasons contributing to this tendency. It is a common struggle for many and almost touted as a standard in the American culture. This can lead to all sorts of problems.

Motherhood takes perfectionism to a whole new dimension. Guilt becomes a constant companion to not measuring up to our perfect parental ideals. In the early years of a child’s life, there seem to be an abundant amount of situations for moms to feel less than perfect. Our children seem so fragile and we can feel so intimidated by that and their constant changes to keep up with, we could potentially make berating ourselves a part-time job.

Last night, a week before turning 9 months, Maya began officially crawling. It was an exciting and scary milestone at the same time. The milestone occurred a few hours after slipping on a couch pillow and bonking her head, which scared me. She got over it and was fine. I was not and kept repeating the situation in my head and analyzing it to figure out how it could have been prevented and how to make sure it never happens again. There was a mini family meeting and the report from the analysis was provided.

As soon as Maya started creeping last night, she went straight for the computer chords under a desk. The baby-proofing project must now officially begin. Although I have gone through a cycle of child-rearing with my preteen son, I can’t say I’m more laid back with my daughter as a result. If anything, recent experiences are prompting me to be less laid-back! Forget trying to have a life of your own! I must be hyper-vigilant and make sure no harm comes to my defenseless baby! She is now a very curious, care-free, mobile child without any concept of consequences. I pray over her every night after she goes to sleep because of SIDS. There are so many issues to potentially be concerned about!

As my children grow and mature, they give me many opportunities to look at myself and grow along with them. One gift I would like to pass on is peace with the desire for perfection. It is ok to aim for something close, but it does not mean we should be unkind to ourselves for not consistently reaching that objective. We just have to brush ourselves off and keep aiming for the best we can do. We have to pat ourselves on the back as much as possible for trying and sometimes creating near-perfect moments that in the end maybe leads to a life we can feel mostly proud of.

Shop/Sell Kids’ Stuff

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Oct 232009

An inevitable part of parenthood is the amount of clothes and other stuff our kids keep growing out of. This means constant shopping for things that are age-appropriate and finding practical and non-wasteful ways to part with the items no longer needed.

One solution is Just Between Friends, the nation’s leading children’s & maternity consignment sales event franchise. The concept was started in 1997 by Daven Tackett and Shannon Wilburn. Starting from a living room, they now have events nationally. Some events occur here, in the Denver area. Just input your location to see where. Shopping events occur about twice a year per location, where consignors can bring children’s and maternity merchandise to sell.

Shoppers can then clothe themselves if expecting or their children at significant savings. Sellers can make up to 70% on sales. A free on-line tagging system is also available. Some proceeds and remaining donated items help local charities.

Adventures in Eating and Teething

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Oct 012009

Maya exploring finger foods at 7 months

My seven-month-old baby girl, Maya, has been going through an adventurous time lately. It began with new-found discoveries in the exciting world of food and eating when she got a handle of the pincer grasp, where she could use two fingers to grasp food and bring it to her mouth (with increasing success). It has been cute to watch small pieces of “o” shaped cereal be lifted up to her mouth, only to watch it fall to her lap. At the end of a meal, she has to be dangled in the air to let all the food in her lap and elsewhere fall off. I’ve felt so proud when the cereal or similar-shaped snack has made it to her mouth and even to her tummy.

Another not-so-amusing adventure has been with teething. She has what seem to be two teeth emerging on the bottom of her mouth. We have tried various remedies lately with differing success. Last night, she woke up around 10pm and became inconsolable. Besides giving her medicine, I held her, sang to her, nursed her (another adventure with new teeth!), changed her, gave her formula, and finally danced to jazz with her. This seemed to soothe her somewhat and she babbled in bed with me, before becoming inconsolable again. All this occurred after reading in the “What to expect” book about letting a baby this age “cry it out” for about 20 minutes so she knows how to put herself back to sleep and does not always expect all the things I did with her…***sigh***So it was with much sadness that I took her back to her crib, told her I loved her, turned on her mobile & aquarium, and walked back to my room, where I lowered the monitor and tried to relax listening to jazz and eventually used earplugs for a little while, watching the monitor as the light went up and down showing her crying. I controlled myself from getting up and sure enough, after 20 minutes, the light was still, indicating she was asleep. I crept into her room, and with much trepidation, managed to cover her more with a blanket without waking her up. It was midnight by then, and I then began the task of trying to transition to sleep for myself.

Parenting Entails Regularly Letting Go

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Sep 092009

My 11 year-old pre-teen son is on his way to go on a 3-day outdoor education program for middle school. It will be his first time being away without a parent. It is reassuring to know he will be surrounded by classmates and teachers he knows. As he started middle school just a few weeks ago, I could see a transformation starting with him, one that included the excitement and wonder about the world around him and embracing the process of growing.

Colin at sailing camp 8.09

I recall my own junior high school trip when we went to Charleston. It was my first time going away without my parents and I felt very liberated. I have vivid images of Charleston and how beautiful I thought it was. This was before Hurricane Hugo.

Colin has stated at times that he wanted to stay a child (like Peter Pan) or at least prolong his childhood. I must have not made being an adult look too appealing! I admit at times my tough love would have made him seem to be an adult-in-training. I’ve had a clear idea of the well-mannered gentleman I want him to be at 30 and have worked backwards to fill in all the pieces to try to have that end result. I felt it was working when his kindergarten teacher told me he was the most well-mannered (and reasoning-oriented) student she had.

Of course there is much that Colin has and continues to teach me. A big lesson has been that of letting go, which seems to be required daily as our kids continually change, grow and need us less. I vividly recall sitting in a movie theatre with him when he was about 3, watching Nemo. I cried when the boy fish got separated from his parent and kept swimming away. The situation was probably not helped by the fact that a divorce was going on and there had been actual moments like that.

It is an irony that the better we do as parents, the less our children will need us. We have to pat ourselves on the back when they independently and confidently embrace the world without us.

Slowing Down

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Sep 042009

Maya touching grass for the first time, with Colin looking on (I remember him doing the same at her age)

If there is one concept that motherhood encourages, it is to slow down. Often, I find myself caught in a whirlwind of multi-tasking, as most women do. Then everything comes to a halt as I nurse or tend to Maya in other ways. She doesn’t care about the tasks I’m trying to get done; the small goals I want to cross off my list. As our kids grow, we are often pulled into their world, to view things from their perspective. They are amazed by so much and can easily find so much to laugh it. We end up laughing with them, out of amazement.

Maya laughs easily – when her tummy is nuzzled, when we play silly games, and when her big brother says or does anything. Her laughter is the greatest sound in the world. In those moments, the “Things to do list” fades in the background and all concerns disappear. It’s a feeling to treasure and remember later when we are back in our frenzied whirlwind.

In the Western culture, multi-tasking has been looked upon as part of a positive skill-set. Women, in particular, have gravitated toward trying to squeeze in as many tasks as possible, just because they can. Men know to not even bother, as their brains don’t seem to allow it as much. 😉 The success we feel in occasionally getting more done encourages us to multi-task even more. However, we all know that at times, the productivity is not increased, and sometimes even leads to danger (if we are driving, for instance).

What living in a frenzied way and multi-tasking does normally do is deprive us of moments that we can remember and treasure when it is our turn to “clock out.” Maybe it means that I didn’t take the moment to look out my window and notice something fascinating that my tiger kitty is doing (which he always does). Or worse, maybe I didn’t see my baby reach a milestone, such as sitting up on her own without supporting herself, which she is reaching now.

Like everyone says, these early days with a child go by very quick. I was amazed to see some “recent videos” of Maya and noticed that she was less than 1/2 her current age (about 3 months and now she is almost 7). In totality, she has of course not been on the planet for very long, so everything about her seems recent; but she was so different and much smaller!

Our kids’ rapid growth is amazing. It certainly reminds us of our mortality and that life is about constant change. It’s important to slow down when we can to experience it all.

: Raj (“King” in Hindi, our tiger cat), drinking from our bird bath – fascinating!

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