Finding balance - Pria's Ponderings

The Four Agreements

Books, Finding balance, Personal Growth, Philosophy, Spirituality, Thoughts Comments Off

Feb 132010

One of the nicest collection of words on living life is by Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements. I keep the summary of the agreements in sight near my desk. I am sharing this summary verbatim. It wouldn’t hurt to read these agreements at the start of our days.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD: Speak with integrity. Says only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will void self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Communication – Part 2

Communication, Finding balance, Relationships Comments Off

Jan 142010

There are many techniques for communication between romantic partners, such as “speaker/listener” and “fighting fair” rules for handling conflict. What does not seem to get much attention or focus is how all these techniques fit into a bigger picture. We can’t have a great relationship by just following (trying, at least) any one technique. Everything fits into a bigger picture of the health of our relationship. If there is underlying tension, techniques may be ineffective, if what is needed, for instance, is time to have fun together.

So it seems that when thinking about communicating better with our mates, we have to think in terms of aspects of the relationship being in balance. I know that with a baby, in particular, I have to try to be vigilant about my marriage getting enough attention. It is easy to be focused on aspects of raising my children, particularly the demands of caring for an infant, that seem never-ending. And then it is easy to only want to talk about her – her progress, what she needs, etc. Then there is trying to keep up with the demands of a preteen, that sometimes go on the back burner as I tend to my baby. Unfortunately, it is easy for my husband to end up last on the list for nurturing. I am sure this is a struggle for many women. We can hardly get to ourselves, who are very often at the very end of the list.

Awareness of the health of our relationship is important. It then allows us to ascertain what is needed and to provide that when possible. Maybe it means trying to squeeze in a quick supportive email or phone call. We have to keep doing something everyday to maintain connection and not let the demands of our day get the best of us. My husband and I try to take at least a few minutes at the end of the day to watch a funny show together and laugh together. That is connecting and can defuse tension and stress, enabling more effective communication later. It has been said that the most important aspect of keeping a marriage strong is friendship and having fun together. We can’t lose sight of this as we find ways to communicate better and try to utilize techniques such as using “I” statements (“I feel…when you….”) instead of “you” (accusatory) statements.

A New Year, a New Beginning

Finding balance, Finding Meaning, Finding Purpose, Goals, Outlook, Personal Growth Comments Off

Jan 102010

“Each year gives us new reasons to celebrate, new journeys to begin.”-unknown

This lovely saying is from the front of a card I keep on the board above my workspace, where it is always visible. It is also a very relevant saying as we begin the new year. I have refrained from making any formal resolutions. Instead, I try to be vigilant about any areas for improvement as they come up and take note to address.

January is International Life Balance Month (or quality of life month). It’s a great time to reflect on your life and think about the areas you want to see progress on. Maybe this will be the month and year that you do something about your passions. Maybe there is even a way to turn a passion into a side venture that can turn into something full-time. A recession can be viewed as an opportunity to really be doing something you want to be doing or at least make a start. I feel passionate about writing and being an entrepreneur. This year, I would like to go further with that interest.

What is holding you back? What can be done to get out of a rut if you find yourself in one? I have another quote on my board in front of me: “you will never really change your life until you change something you do daily.” This is very true and we have to aspire to trying to make any change, as minor as it may seem, EVERYDAY. Think about this everyday and be conscious of it.

Another quote I have on my desk, that I have had for many years, is by Henry David Thoreau on goals: “If one advances confidently in the direction of their dreams, and endeavors to lead a life they have imagined, they will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

I wish you all new journeys to begin and new reasons to celebrate. Happy new year!

Staycation vs Vacation

Finding balance, Travel, vacation Comments Off

Jan 042010

Over New Years, we decided to stay in our Denver vicinity and stayed at a hotel about forty-five minutes away from home for two days. It was fun and relaxing to have a short drive and check out “our backyard.” Although there seemed to be a lot of last-minute packing and logistics for a near-by trip, this was due mostly to having an infant and pets to manage while we were away.

We had considered going to the Maya Riviera in Mexico, but our lack of planning early enough had meant the cost would be about $1k a day, which seemed too indulgent and unpredictable with an infant. So we are hoping to do it later on, given enough planning and maybe getting a good deal.

We toured the Molly Brown House on the way to the hotel. My son had never seen it and it was a good follow-up to having seen her movie, “The Unsinkable Molly Brown” and “Titanic.” He received more insight into the town he was born in, which he appreciated. Seeing the home decorated for Christmas was a bonus. We learned interesting tidbits such as a local town, Arvada, having been the world capital of celery, and how the currently uncelebrated vegetable was a delicacy back then.

The Molly Brown House

We got a deal at the Embassy Suites and like the family-orientation of having suites with a dividing door to boot. The first night, on the 30th, my baby ended up sleeping curled up towards my husband’s arm pit after struggling with teething a few times during the night.

The next day, we enjoyed time in the pool, hot tub, gymn, Indian buffet across the street and catching a matinee of “Cloudy with Meatballs.” It was the first time we took our baby to a movie theater. She did fine overall, sleeping through most of it on my lap.

Since we normally are in bed by 10pm due to having an infant that has been getting up by 5am, we struggled to make it to midnight on the 31st. We promptly passed out after the ball dropped in NY, with our baby in her playpen next to our bed. We decided we don’t need to try to stay up anymore! After all, Denver is two hours behind NY, and we can pretend it’s midnight at 10pm.

A quick escape at the hotel on New Year's

It is nice to consider a low-stress staycation here and there. It is easy to find weekend deals at hotels in any city. One gets to check out their city and areas they may be too busy to explore at other times. Especially when a baby may not cooperate and their schedule must be accommodated, it’s nice to know that you are not spending a lot and didn’t spend a lot of time and energy getting there.

I look forward to future well-planned vacations with my family away from home along with staycations near our home when we have occasional opportunities on weekends. There is merit and room for both! Staycations can add more balance to our lives by giving us a mini break without a lot of expense or stress.

Colin and Maya 1.1.10

Be Proactive

Finding balance, How to find balance, Personal Growth Comments Off

Dec 022009

Stephen Covey is one of my favorite authors, and his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” is a classic that everyone should read. It made a significant impact on me and I aspire to practice these habits. I read and own the book, went to a class on the topic, and have the video tapes of the book and habits for my kids.

Habit 1 is to be proactive. The big point he makes with this habit is that we have choices in life that determine the outcome we end up with. If we didn’t like a particular outcome in the past, we can choose according to the outcome we want in the future. He points out that we design our life by these choices, so that life doesn’t “happen” to us. Being proactive is more than taking initiative. It is also about taking responsibility for our lives and responding to events and circumstances based on our values rather than reacting. “Instead of blaming circumstances, conditions, or chance for our behavior, we choose our own responses and make our own decisions.”

Exercising this habit also means using proactive language such as “I can” and “I will” rather than reactive language such as “I can’t” or “If only.” Focusing on what they can control is an important aspect of proactive people. Understanding how we spend our energies is a big step towards being more proactive.

Sources: Stephen Covey, Franklin Covey

Communication – Part 1

Communication, Finding balance, Relationships Comments Off

Nov 132009

There is much I’ve learned and much I’m still trying to learn and practice about the mysterious art of communication. In terms of the literal form of the written and spoken word, I feel quite comfortable. As an immigrant, I learned English after the age of 7. I knew 5 other Indian languages until then. I got so comfortable with the written language that I chose to major in it in college.

I liked the spoken part too. I began participating in public speaking contests as a preteen and was on the Debate team in high school, focusing on original oratory. That meant I competed in giving speeches. As a newcomer, I was able to surpass more experienced peers after memorizing a speech overnight. I ended up as a quarter-finalist in NC.

This past experience of course did not necessarily translate into interpersonal communication success. When it comes to relationships, it’s not about how well you are able to write or speak. Maybe this is where my Psychology degree is supposed to help. Unfortunately, I’ve learned just knowing stuff doesn’t necessarily translate into practice and success. There must be efforts made on both sides. Both must be interested in developing something of value to both parties. Then the fun begins!

My last ex-husband accused me of reading too many “self-help” books. I saw it as reading “self-improvement” books, and what’s wrong with that?? I want to make the most of myself and my life, so don’t I want to learn as much as I can about myself and the world? I suppose not everyone is so inclined. Regardless, the reading at least lets me blog some on this topic and share what I’ve learned from my reading and experiences, and spare you the trouble and time.

One of the lessons I’ve learned (but don’t always remember) is that men and women truly are different in their communication and perceptions. We need different things. A “Today” show male panelist on gender differences recently stated that women want compliments and men want praise. I thought about how that truly is different. He clarified the difference with the example that women want compliments such as “you look pretty in that dress.” We want to be noticed and know that our men still find us ravishing! Every day.

Men on the other hand, want praise for a job well done. That means women have to appreciate stuff we wouldn’t normally assume that men need appreciation for. It’s stuff we do all the time and keep doing it out of a sense of responsibility. It’s annoying to us to have to make men feel like super heroes for the same work. However, that’s apparently what they need. It’s like Pavlov’s dog in Psych 101, where the dog was trained to salivate at the sound of a bell by association. So with enough practice, women can train men through praise to do all the things they want them to do and how they want them to do it. Of course, most women find this to be too much work and thought, so they do what needs to be done themselves and move on…

My Husband and I, Trying to Perfect the Art of Communication

Communication Series – Intro

Communication, Finding balance, Finding Meaning, Relationships Comments Off

Nov 122009

Being on my third marriage, an area of vital importance I’ve been exposed to is communication. Obviously, for one reason or another, I have not always been successful (or my companion). It’s hard to know who to blame at times or if anyone can be blamed. I just know that for various reasons, it just doesn’t always work. Some of those reasons include a gender-basis, my past experiences and the companion’s, or my luck in who I’m with or poor skills in picking a companion! That last part can have tons of psychological stuff behind it, like picking people like our parents, functional or not, because of stuff we’re trying to work out! ***sigh*** It can feel hopeless at times and the world of being single and not having to put effort in this area seems tempting to many…

Alas, we must try to learn about the art of communication if we desire building connection with our mates and children. As we feel rewarded for our growth in this area through greater connection, we also feel better individually. We feel more confident, more confident, and more joyful. Without good communication, we begin to feel disconnected and empty.

Issues in my marriages were varied, but difficulty in communication played a big role. After my first arranged marriage (without choice) at 18 ceased after 5 years of my plugging away probably needlessly, communication with the individual was also terminated indefinitely (without my choice). It seemed strange to share intimacy and build a life including a social circle in a new city for 5 years and then pretend those 5 years and everything related to those years didn’t exist. All my efforts seemed wasted. Over the years, I tried to glean some value from the years, including how I could have communicated better, to include asserting myself through communication. Some of this struggle seemed thwarted by my Asian Indian upbringing (maybe another series in the future!).

Enter the next phase of my marital relationship and other communication struggles, bigger and for twice the number of years, and partly still continuous through a child. This time, my lack of experience with my myself, the opposite gender, and the world (thanks partly to my conflicted, strict Asian Indian upbringing) contributed to what Steven Covey has stated, “placing my ladder up against the wrong building.” No matter how much I tried to climb, I was still up against the wrong building! That became apparent only after 10 years of struggling to communicate and trying to feel like I was getting somewhere. All I was achieving was losing even more years of my life to a useless cause.

Once we are beyond being in relationships that are wrong for us and where communication is not the issue, but rather finding a worthwhile “building to place our ladders up against first,” we can then focus on trying to communicate to build connection. That is where I feel I am now. Stay tuned for a continuation on this topic – Part 1 of what I have learned and trying to learn and practice.

My Family and I 7/8/09

Quick Stress Fixes

Finding balance, Self-Care, Simplicity Comments Off

Nov 042009

Bhalloo napping As the holidays approach, our stress levels can start to soar. Women in particular feel it as they often feel solely responsible for creating “perfect” holiday memories for their families.

Sometimes, a solution to less lies in gaining more perspective of a situation. Running late can push many stress buttons. But maybe the solution requires just a phone call stating you are delayed and perhaps keeping in mind that being late to your destination will not be the end of the world. I try to learn from the situation to understand what caused my delay to try to correct the situation for the future. This at least allows me to feel some productivity is coming from the situation.

For the holidays, my goal this year is to shop early, as in now. Normally, I get so absorbed in other areas, such as baking, that I delay shopping until it becomes stressful. Since shopping is generally not an activity I enjoy (I know, strange for a female), it becomes even more stressful when there is less time and more traffic and hassle. I will try to prevent that scenario this year. Also, I have to remember that this year I will be trying to do everything with an additional family member and newly-mobile infant as well. Yikes.

One quick, grounding stress fix for me is to repeat a mantra or affirmation in my head until I’m less stressed. I used this technique to give birth without drugs! Have a plan for dealing with difficult, stressed people during the holidays. Have an affirmation ready to repeat in your head and a plan to leave the scene if needed. With three pets I adore, just hugging or petting one helps a lot!

Women in particular can feel easily overwhelmed by the demands around them. Sometimes, just taking a brief break for a few minutes can make a world of difference. Maybe this means the kids are briefly occupied while we slip away to read a few pages from a book we are reading to escape or something spiritual that helps ground us. If we are feeling too negative, it may help to just seek some humor, such as turning to the comedy channel to get a few laughs and remind ourselves to not take life too seriously!

The Perfection Curse

Children, Education, Finding balance, Motherhood Comments Off

Nov 022009

Irisis For much of my life, my ideals have led me towards perfectionistic tendencies. It has meant I have often been harder on myself than was appropriate or kind. Of course, there can be many reasons contributing to this tendency. It is a common struggle for many and almost touted as a standard in the American culture. This can lead to all sorts of problems.

Motherhood takes perfectionism to a whole new dimension. Guilt becomes a constant companion to not measuring up to our perfect parental ideals. In the early years of a child’s life, there seem to be an abundant amount of situations for moms to feel less than perfect. Our children seem so fragile and we can feel so intimidated by that and their constant changes to keep up with, we could potentially make berating ourselves a part-time job.

Last night, a week before turning 9 months, Maya began officially crawling. It was an exciting and scary milestone at the same time. The milestone occurred a few hours after slipping on a couch pillow and bonking her head, which scared me. She got over it and was fine. I was not and kept repeating the situation in my head and analyzing it to figure out how it could have been prevented and how to make sure it never happens again. There was a mini family meeting and the report from the analysis was provided.

As soon as Maya started creeping last night, she went straight for the computer chords under a desk. The baby-proofing project must now officially begin. Although I have gone through a cycle of child-rearing with my preteen son, I can’t say I’m more laid back with my daughter as a result. If anything, recent experiences are prompting me to be less laid-back! Forget trying to have a life of your own! I must be hyper-vigilant and make sure no harm comes to my defenseless baby! She is now a very curious, care-free, mobile child without any concept of consequences. I pray over her every night after she goes to sleep because of SIDS. There are so many issues to potentially be concerned about!

As my children grow and mature, they give me many opportunities to look at myself and grow along with them. One gift I would like to pass on is peace with the desire for perfection. It is ok to aim for something close, but it does not mean we should be unkind to ourselves for not consistently reaching that objective. We just have to brush ourselves off and keep aiming for the best we can do. We have to pat ourselves on the back as much as possible for trying and sometimes creating near-perfect moments that in the end maybe leads to a life we can feel mostly proud of.

Newer Entries