Finding Meaning - Pria's Ponderings

Hey Perfection,

Finding Meaning Comments Off

Jan 172018

Hey Perfection,

this week, I’m going to touch my neglected guitar and piano. I might even mess with them and make terrible sounds with them. You can’t stop me.

I won’t know what I’m doing. Although knowing that feels terrifying at some level and doing things poorly seems criminal, I might just go ahead and do it.

Will anyone know or care? What will happen after I make some non-rhythmic sounds with my lonely instruments? Will the instrument police get me? Will their ears hear the confusing sounds?

Do my instruments want me to play them, even badly? Would it be disrespectful to them? Do they only deserve skilled hands? Will they sense my fear of them, of me and my inability, that I might not be able to make enough sense of them to make sounds that make sense? What if the sounds never make sense?

Will I have failed? Will the instrument failure police know and promptly get me? Will I wither away forever in instrument failure jail, kicking myself for foolishly trying to play an instrument? Do they deserve better than me?

What is the purpose of trying to play them anyway? Who would it save? Maybe me?

Perfection, once I make non-melodic sounds with my instruments, I might even try to figure out what else I can do poorly, and then go do it.

Farewell, My Friend Leo

Finding Meaning, Loss, Outlook, Relationships Comments Off

Nov 032017

Dear Leo,

I’ve been stunned since yesterday, seeing the message associated with a LinkedIn invite. I had been ignoring the invite from the woman for possibly weeks, thinking it was another work-related association I would get to later. But then yesterday, I inadvertently saw the message on the invite that I didn’t know was there, with her stating she was your wife and that you had passed. My heart stopped, as I immediately accepted the invite and responded back to her, beginning with “oh my God..”

I was further shocked learning the details of your passing, that you had six to seven months since learning about your advanced cancer diagnoses in March and then leaving us last month. I can’t imagine what you went through during this time.

I stared at your LinkedIn picture with trimmed, tidy hair and background profile, feeling strange at the same time, knowing your professional profile was still there, but you were not. Your impressive professional history was detailed, some of which you shared and intersected with mine.

You were devoted to our aerospace company and its Deep Impact program with a deadline in space in the next five years that could not be changed. What a stressful deadline, that required you to work non-stop without sleep often. The mission was a success, with the expense of your marriage, which ended.

I told your wife you had been like my smarter older brother, detailed the profound impact you had made on my life and how happy you seemed when I ran into you the past decade, after marrying her. You appeared happy, adjusted and grounded, and that’s how I knew you had made a good choice in a mate. You were focused on your lovely step daughter and I was touched to see the nurturing, fatherly Leo.

Your life clearly suited you and you seemed at peace. I got the impression that you had evolved from what seemed to be your unrewarding rescue missions prior, which I have also been trying to move on from and let go of.

I will never forget the dark, curly, unruly-haired Cuban head I saw next to my cube that I got accustomed to seeing. I wondered if the hair was perhaps unruly to match the focused engineer you were, like a mad scientist stereotype.

You were always there, as a workaholic, married first to our demanding company. You were even there one Labor Day weekend, September of 2002, when you bravely shared your thoughts on my dysfunctional marriage, spurring me on to make the changes I needed to make. You were courageous and caring enough to point out the inevitable course of action I needed to take, but didn’t feel strong enough to undertake. You offered me that strength through your wisdom.

As a result, my life eventually turned big corners as I divorced. You even provided pragmatic help that my family did not by lending me money during a financially difficult time as I made changes to transition to my new life. I wouldn’t even know how to begin to thank you for this.

If I didn’t go to work then, I can’t imagine my life now. Along with the loss of you from the world is a piece of me. You were a part and witness to a significant, transformative time period of my life that you were instrumental in. You showed me that someone can be an atheist and yet still be the most value-driven, caring person I’ve ever met.

You also divorced and struggled with missing your former partner. I told you that “sometimes, it’s better to miss someone than to be with them.” You mulled this over, said you liked it and that it helped you. Leo, I want you to know this quote doesn’t apply to you. It breaks my heart we can’t have any more wise conversations because it would be better to be around you having deep, enlightening conversations than to miss you.

While drinking hot sake on a cold night, we provided each other with support following our divorces. I have thought of you every time I’ve had hot sake since. We never did get around to seeing Woody Allen movies together as we discussed, so now I must. As you suggested, I will read (again?) Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which I believe is somewhere in my home.

Rest in peace, my friend, workaholic former colleague, mentor and adviser. Wherever you are, dude, I just hope there is a lot of hair gel. Just sayin.’

I Wondered

Finding Meaning, Love, Spirituality Comments Off

Oct 152017

I Wondered what it would be like to feel butterflies in my stomach over a guy again…
and now I do.

I wondered if there can be communication that speaks to my heart without words.

When my hand laid against his open hand, which then intertwined itself over mine, there was.

When he kissed the top of my head when I leaned in, there was.

When he spontaneously lifted my hand to then kiss it, there was…

I wondered if looking in one another’s eyes silently could communicate something.

It can.

I wondered if you can have a silent shared smile at the same thing that you both find amusing, at the same time, in the same way…you can…

As it turns out, chasing butterflies is a very worthwhile adventure. The rewards are huge.

Knowing I can feel these “small” things is big.

I was on to something when a small voice whispered, wondering….it opened doors to realization.

Wondering seems to do that…it takes you were you need to go…if we open our hearts and minds enough to notice and listen.

10/15/2017

The Forgotten Heterosexual

Authenticity, Finding Meaning Comments Off

Aug 062017

There is nothing wrong with being gay. But marrying someone known to be straight when you are not and don’t make that clear, is wrong.

Most have heard of stories where spouses have come out gay. There is applause for the ones that came out to find their true selves, while the spouses are ignored and forgotten. What about the cost to the them, their hopes and dreams? They did not sign up for this “dream.” They had been denied their true selves. No one cares they came out “straight” as before. No one cares they’ve always been true to themselves, but were deceived.

The problem with the deceivers has to do with their character and not their orientation. Being gay does not give permission to stay in the closet while hurting and denying others of their basic needs to be fully appreciated, desired and loved. One can remain in the closet all they want on their own. Please don’t take others with you!

Underminers

Abuse, Finding Meaning, Narcissism Comments Off

Apr 242017

Underminers are the “Debbie Downers” of the world. Debbie Downer is a popular character from Saturday Night Live who always had something negative to say and found some ways to rain on everyone’s parades about everything. Debbie Downers are the party poopers of the world. Felt good about something and then you shared it with Debbie? Well now you feel stupid and terrible about it.

No matter what wonderful thing is going on in your life (according to you, at least), Debbie Downer has something to say to make it not so wonderful…it even seems dumb now. When Debbie feels particularly clever, she will cut you and your efforts down with comments that have seemingly positive words and concepts thrown in to confuse you, gaslight and make your head hurt. This can include comments such as “I wouldn’t do that, it was awful, but good luck to you!”

You think you should feel good from her comments, and it can look like you should, but you don’t. You want to think she meant well but now you feel down. Your excitement and passion is gone. You feel deflated, you doubt yourself and a choice you were making, that you felt interested and enthusiastic about, but after sharing it with Debbie and hearing her cautionary comments, you wonder if you are doing the right thing. You’ve been gaslit!

Debbie doesn’t have your best interests at heart. She is jealous of you and doesn’t want you to get ahead or surpass her. She is competitive and wants you to stay down, below her. She is a light dimmer and a lamp shade. She will never fuel your enthusiasm for anything and couldn’t give a shit about your passions. She will ridicule them…in a nice way, of course. And then you risk feeling excited about your passion. You wonder if it’s silly and a waste of time….for a normal person, like Debbie suggested.

Narcissistic underminers may be the most difficult energy vampires to detect. You have to trust your heart and feelings , rather than your mind at times. Your mind may want to play tricks on you and encourage you to only notice the seemingly nice things they say and to look at others more kindly than they deserve, to your detriment.

Manipulative narcs count on our tricky monkey mind so that we have self-doubt. As long as we have self-doubt, they have power and control over us. When comments “feel” bad, they “are” bad. Trust your intuition.

Particularly when healing from trauma and abuse, we have to be extra cautious about exposing ourselves to “light dimmers” and “lampshades.” While we are particularly vulnerable, raw and tender, we may not have developed our boundaries or they may be weak. We may need to take time to nurse our wounds with extreme self-care for a while, to counter the neglect we endured and tolerated with narcs. We can’t sabotage our healing and growth to people who would try to take down the wounded.

Faith over Fear

Finding balance, Finding Meaning, Spirituality Comments Off

Dec 102016

Dear Faith,

I apologize for having so often forgotten you. I became acquainted with and at times overtaken by Fear. I see now that you have been the greater faithful friend, the one who can guide me to peace. You deserved more loyalty from me. Fear hasn’t taken me to any place I can find happiness in.

I don’t know that fear has any place in our short, limited lives where we know so little and mysteries abound. The number of mysteries we can then be fearful of are boundless. What would then be the point of living in a state of fear? It doesn’t make any sense.

It seems you are related to Hope and can introduce me to her. Fear does not know her. Fear is like a cheap salesperson who is all inflated, dramatic talk with nothing genuine, true, or real to offer or deliver.

I want what matters and brings me to Joy. Faith, I’ve heard you and Joy know each other. If I embrace you more, Faith, will you introduce me to Joy? I think I will really enjoy getting to know her more as well.

With love,
Your new friend

Soulitude

Finding balance, Finding Meaning, Finding Purpose, Outlook, Personal Growth, Simplicity, Spirituality, Thoughts Comments Off

Nov 252016

I long for soulitude,

to rest, breathe…
calm my mind, body and soul.

I seek soulitude,
to fully hear silence,
to see details
I never noticed.

Soulitude allows me to feel
expanded, enriched and newer,
a renewed version
I’ve never felt before.

With soulitude, I hear
like I’ve never heard before.

I hear and feel
every chord, every note
of every song…

I hear music that
gives me goosebumps…
and compels my spirit
to sing…

Soulitude increases and enhances
my vision,
to fully see
all that I did not,
could not, would not,
see…

I want to see
every hue of
every color
and every combination…
a kaleidoscope
of shifting,
evolving colors…

My spirit has been starved…
and hungers for healing

that begins with
being fed by
quiet, gentle,
soulitude.

You love me, but….

Dysfunction, Finding Meaning, Love, Relationships 1 Response »

Nov 162016

You love me…

but only want a small piece of me,

the piece you accept and approve.

You love me,

but don’t see me.

You love me,

but don’t hear me.

You love me,

but would rather not be with me.

You love me,

but don’t know me.

You love me,

but you lie to me.

You love me,

but you betray me.

You love me,

but you lost me..

I have to let all of you go,

to find the love

that accepts all of me…

All is Well

Finding Meaning, Gratitude, Musing on Death, Musings, Outlook, Philosophy, Spirituality Comments Off

Nov 072016

In my calmest and most clarified moments, I see…that all is well. Regardless of the choices made and paths taken, in the end, no matter what, all will be well. As we near our end, there is not much that will matter or concern us. We must let go of all there was and choose peace with all there is and is not. What other options would we choose? Would we consider ending our lives in anger, regret, remorse, or grief?

None of us were given manuals on how to live our lives. Day by day, we try to learn about ourselves and how to care for and honor ourselves. How can we make a judgment call of what is good or bad for someone? We do not know all there is about life. We do not know from that which we came and we do not know where we will go. All we have is the time allowed and the paths in front of us. We determine the paths chosen and how gracefully we can walk on them.

All we can do is just be. Be in the moment fully. That is all we have at any given moment. We can not judge these moments. They just are. Each moment is a gift to be mindful of, respect, and cherish. Our moments savored are nourishing rain drops for our soul. Our enriched soul can then come forth to awaken, be seen, heard, and honored. Awakened souls united can enrich the world.

We can not decide or determine how long we are here or have others in our life or in this world. What are they trying to teach us about ourselves? What do we learn, understand, respect and honor about ourselves through our relationships? They are there for us to find ourselves. Others must be allowed to find their own paths towards the directions they seek. Their paths and journeys belong to them. We can not trespass on their paths, but patiently and respectfully hope to be invited to share their journeys as we allow them the privilege to share in ours.

Most of life is beyond our control. We must simply be and feel all that we are and can become. Being open to our heart, intuition and soul can allow us to accept, acknowledge and allow all there is…to meet, recognize and embrace our authentic self. In the end, it is our true self we will be with.

Managing negative memories

Managing negative memories Finding Meaning Comments Off

Apr 212015

“Many problems that we take for granted are not really necessary; they arise from attention getting distracted and caught without our consent. For example, all of us are familiar with the toll negative memories can take. When they come up, they simply won’t let us alone. They claim our attention, and dwelling on them only makes them stronger. The mind gets upset until finally the body begins to suffer. But if you can turn attention away, just as you do in meditation, the memory will gradually lose its emotional charge. The memory itself is not lost; it simply loses its compulsive hold on you.”
– Eknath Easwaran

Older Entries Newer Entries