I Wondered

 Finding Meaning, Love, Spirituality  Comments Off on I Wondered
Oct 152017
 

I Wondered what it would be like to feel butterflies in my stomach over a guy again…
and now I do.

I wondered if there can be communication that speaks to my heart without words.

When my hand laid against his open hand, which then intertwined itself over mine, there was.

When he kissed the top of my head when I leaned in, there was.

When he spontaneously lifted my hand to then kiss it, there was…

I wondered if looking in one another’s eyes silently could communicate something.

It can.

I wondered if you can have a silent shared smile at the same thing that you both find amusing, at the same time, in the same way…you can…

As it turns out, chasing butterflies is a very worthwhile adventure.  The rewards are huge.

Knowing I can feel these “small” things is big.

I was on to something when a small voice whispered, wondering….it opened doors to realization.

Wondering seems to do that…it takes you were you need to go…if we open our hearts and minds enough to notice and listen.

10/15/2017

The Forgotten Heterosexual

 Authenticity, Finding Meaning  Comments Off on The Forgotten Heterosexual
Aug 062017
 

There is nothing wrong with being gay.  But marrying someone known to be straight when you are not and don’t make that clear, is wrong.

Most have heard of stories where spouses have come out gay.  There is applause for the ones that came out to find their true selves, while the spouses are ignored and forgotten.  What about the cost to the them, their hopes and dreams?  They did not sign up for this “dream.”  They had been denied their true selves.  No one cares they came out “straight” as before.  No one cares they’ve always been true to themselves, but were deceived.

The problem with the deceivers has to do with their character and not their orientation.  Being gay does not give permission to stay in the closet while hurting and denying others of their basic needs to be fully appreciated, desired and loved.  One can remain in the closet all they want on their own.  Please don’t take others with you!

Underminers

 Abuse, Finding Meaning, Narcissism  Comments Off on Underminers
Apr 242017
 

Underminers are the “Debbie Downers” of the world. Debbie Downer is a popular character from Saturday Night Live who always had something negative to say and found some ways to rain on everyone’s parades about everything. Debbie Downers are the party poopers of the world. Felt good about something and then you shared it with Debbie? Well now you feel stupid and terrible about it.

No matter what wonderful thing is going on in your life (according to you, at least), Debbie Downer has something to say to make it not so wonderful…it even seems dumb now. When Debbie feels particularly clever, she will cut you and your efforts down with comments that have seemingly positive words and concepts thrown in to confuse you, gaslight and make your head hurt. This can include comments such as “I wouldn’t do that, it was awful, but good luck to you!”

You think you should feel good from her comments, and it can look like you should, but you don’t. You want to think she meant well but now you feel down. Your excitement and passion is gone. You feel deflated, you doubt yourself and a choice you were making, that you felt interested and enthusiastic about, but after sharing it with Debbie and hearing her cautionary comments, you wonder if you are doing the right thing. You’ve been gaslit!

Debbie doesn’t have your best interests at heart. She is jealous of you and doesn’t want you to get ahead or surpass her. She is competitive and wants you to stay down, below her. She is a light dimmer and a lamp shade. She will never fuel your enthusiasm for anything and couldn’t give a shit about your passions. She will ridicule them…in a nice way, of course. And then you risk feeling excited about your passion. You wonder if it’s silly and a waste of time….for a normal person, like Debbie suggested.

Narcissistic underminers may be the most difficult energy vampires to detect. You have to trust your heart and feelings , rather than your mind at times. Your mind may want to play tricks on you and encourage you to only notice the seemingly nice things they say and to look at others more kindly than they deserve, to your detriment.

Manipulative narcs count on our tricky monkey mind so that we have self-doubt. As long as we have self-doubt, they have power and control over us. When comments “feel” bad, they “are” bad. Trust your intuition.

Particularly when healing from trauma and abuse, we have to be extra cautious about exposing ourselves to “light dimmers” and “lampshades.” While we are particularly vulnerable, raw and tender, we may not have developed our boundaries or they may be weak. We may need to take time to nurse our wounds with extreme self-care for a while, to counter the neglect we endured and tolerated with narcs. We can’t sabotage our healing and growth to people who would try to take down the wounded.

Faith over Fear

 Finding balance, Finding Meaning, Spirituality  Comments Off on Faith over Fear
Dec 102016
 

Dear Faith,

I apologize for having so often forgotten you. I became acquainted with and at times overtaken by Fear. I see now that you have been the greater faithful friend, the one who can guide me to peace. You deserved more loyalty from me. Fear hasn’t taken me to any place I can find happiness in.

I don’t know that fear has any place in our short, limited lives where we know so little and mysteries abound. The number of mysteries we can then be fearful of are boundless. What would then be the point of living in a state of fear? It doesn’t make any sense.

It seems you are related to Hope and can introduce me to her. Fear does not know her. Fear is like a cheap salesperson who is all inflated, dramatic talk with nothing genuine, true, or real to offer or deliver.

I want what matters and brings me to Joy. Faith, I’ve heard you and Joy know each other. If I embrace you more, Faith, will you introduce me to Joy? I think I will really enjoy getting to know her more as well.

With love,
Your new friend

Nov 252016
 

I long for soulitude,

to rest, breathe…
calm my mind, body and soul.

I seek soulitude,
to fully hear silence,
to see details
I never noticed.

Soulitude allows me to feel
expanded, enriched and newer,
a renewed version
I’ve never felt before.

With soulitude, I hear
like I’ve never heard before.

I hear and feel
every chord, every note
of every song…

I hear music that
gives me goosebumps…
and compels my spirit
to sing…

Soulitude increases and enhances
my vision,
to fully see
all that I did not,
could not, would not,
see…

I want to see
every hue of
every color
and every combination…
a kaleidoscope
of shifting,
evolving colors…

My spirit has been starved…
and hungers for healing

that begins with
being fed by
quiet, gentle,
soulitude.

Nov 162016
 

You love me…

but only want a small piece of me,

the piece you accept and approve.

You love me,

but don’t see me.

You love me,

but don’t hear me.

You love me,

but would rather not be with me.

You love me,

but don’t know me.

You love me,

but you lie to me.

You love me,

but you betray me.

You love me,

but you lost me..

 

I have to let all of you go,

to find the love

that accepts all of me…

Nov 072016
 

In my calmest and most clarified moments, I see…that all is well.  Regardless of the choices made and paths taken, in the end, no matter what, all will be well.  As we near our end, there is not much that will matter or concern us.  We must let go of all there was and choose peace with all there is and is not.  What other options would we choose?  Would we consider ending our lives in anger, regret, remorse, or grief?

None of us were given manuals on how to live our lives.  Day by day, we try to learn about ourselves and how to care for and honor ourselves.  How can we make a judgment call of what is good or bad for someone?  We do not know all there is about life.  We do not know from that which we came and we do not know where we will go.  All we have is the time allowed and the paths in front of us.  We determine the paths chosen and how gracefully we can walk on them.

All we can do is just be.  Be in the moment fully.  That is all we have at any given moment. We can not judge these moments.  They just are.  Each moment is a gift to be mindful of, respect, and cherish.  Our moments savored are nourishing rain drops for our soul.  Our enriched soul can then come forth to awaken, be seen, heard, and honored.  Awakened souls united can enrich the world.

We can not decide or determine how long we are here or have others in our life or in this world.  What are they trying to teach us about ourselves?  What do we learn, understand, respect and honor about ourselves through our relationships?  They are there for us to find ourselves.  Others must be allowed to find their own paths towards the directions they seek.  Their paths and journeys belong to them.  We can not trespass on their paths, but patiently and respectfully hope to be invited to share their journeys as we allow them the privilege to share in ours.

Most of life is beyond our control.  We must simply be and feel all that we are and can become.  Being open to our heart, intuition and soul can allow us to accept, acknowledge and allow all there is…to meet, recognize and embrace our authentic self.  In the end, it is our true self we will be with.

Managing negative memories

 Managing negative memories  Finding Meaning  Comments Off on Managing negative memories
Apr 212015
 

“Many problems that we take for granted are not really necessary; they arise from attention getting distracted and caught without our consent. For example, all of us are familiar with the toll negative memories can take. When they come up, they simply won’t let us alone. They claim our attention, and dwelling on them only makes them stronger. The mind gets upset until finally the body begins to suffer. But if you can turn attention away, just as you do in meditation, the memory will gradually lose its emotional charge. The memory itself is not lost; it simply loses its compulsive hold on you.”
– Eknath Easwaran

5 Healthy On -the-Go Snacks

 Finding Meaning  Comments Off on 5 Healthy On -the-Go Snacks
Sep 202012
 

Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of spending the time to make a healthy snack; sometimes we just need something to munch on while you’re on the go. Here are 5 healthy snacks that are quick, easy, and healthy!

1. Raw almonds, cashews, or walnuts – I keep a bag of them in my desk!

2. String cheese – low-fat and diet friendly, pair it with an apple for a more satisfying snack.

3. Dried fruit – look for the kind with no added sugar. Pineapple slices and dried cherries are my favorite!

4. Nutrition/Protein Bar – be careful with these. Some of them are packed with sugar. Look for low sugar, and higher protein and fiber. Select one that is 200 calories or less.

5. Dry-roasted edamame – low cal and full of protein, this is a great snack!

Source:
EH_Caitlin: Everyday Health

Aug 082012
 

As an employee of the city of Aurora in CO, my husband has come across lots of words of sympathy and encouragement from around the world.  Following is an encouraging letter from the city of Raleigh to the city of Aurora following the recent shooting.

Subject: Words of Encouragement from Raleigh, NC

 

Yesterday afternoon I attended a matinee viewing of The Dark Knight Rises, the final movie in the Batman trilogy; the unfortunate setting for the tragic act of violence during the movie’s midnight premier in your city, Aurora, Colorado. I, like so many others, have been following the unfolding of the theatre shooting and have felt a pull of singularity similar to the immediate reaction of patriotism that followed in the wake of 9/11. Sharing in the horror and impact of the intent and actions of one man I became immediately aware of my own fleeting life upon entering my local theatre. As the previews began my eyes searched for the emergency exits, and I took particular notice of every person who entered the room (all ten of them at that early time of day). During the first few minutes of the movie a rattling of gunfire on the screen made me alert and agitated, echoing the tragic testimonies shared of an audience who quickly diverted their attention from fantasy to reality in an effort to save and protect loved ones and themselves. I thought to myself, should I have come? But as the plot continued I became enraptured by the villainous mind of Bain, the sheer hopelessness of Gotham City, and the contemplative genius of Bob Kane on the relationship between good and evil in our worlds: fiction and reality alike.  As the credits rolled up from the bottom of the screen at the conclusion of the movie, I sat recovering from being emotionally invested in the outcome of the plot and reflecting upon the men and women who are struggling to find solace and understanding in the aftermath of the Aurora tragedy. The truth is the movie made me think only of Aurora.  The character Bruce Wayne repeatedly remarks on his identity being only a suit that anyone can wear. In an epic moment of dialogue during the plot the audience is reminded that a hero can be found in a single moment,  “A hero can be anyone, even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a coat around a young boy’s shoulders to let him know the world hasn’t ended (Bruce Wayne as Batman).” Although it is tempting to idolize the fictional Batman as the ultimate hero, there is a resounding distinction between the heroes of fiction and the heroes of our reality. The men, women and children who are picking up the aftermath of the Aurora tragedy are the heroes of our present day. Aurora has a nation of support surrounding them, cheering “rise!” as we watch a community climb out of the darkness of such tragedy. Aurora, I stand with a nation that is shouting cheers full of hope for you, that this tragedy will make you stronger as you search for answers, struggle with prayers, and learn the art of survival that follows great loss. Jonathan Blunk, Alexander Boik, Jesse Childress, Gordon Cowden, Jessica Ghawi, John Larimer, Matt MacQuinn, Micayla Medek, Veronica Moser-Sullivan, Alex Sullivan, Alexander C. Teves, and Rebecca Wingo are names engraved on my heart.

I could not help but to think of Aurora and the victims of that horrible night, and know that an entire nation is doing the same, as these words are echoed in theatres across the world, “I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss. I see the lives for which I lay down my life, peaceful, useful, prosperous and happy. I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts, and in the hearts of their descendants, generations hence. It is a far, far better thing that I do, that I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.” Aurora, this is a moment for heroes, and we are all looking at you: a beautiful city, a brilliant people, a community that will rise from this abyss.

 

Sincerely,

Raleigh, NC.