Diagnosing Autism

 Autism, Children, Finding balance, Motherhood, Parenting  Comments Off on Diagnosing Autism
Dec 122011
 

When I think about the path that led to my daughter’s diagnosis of high-functioning autism in July when almost 2 1/2, I am amazed at how random that path was.  My husband happened to speak with a coworker who was getting some assistance for their child through Child Find.  We wondered about Maya and had her evaluated with the organization when Maya was about 1 1/2.

The results were primarily that there was a speech delay.   She then began to see a speech therapist and occupational therapist.  This service will end when she turns 3 in February.  Soon she will have an evaluation to see if she qualifies for services through the district once she is 3.

Earlier in the year, concerns had been brought up by a therapist regarding autism.  The ball to have her evaluated for the disorder started rolling and was blocked repeatedly by her insurance.  After much pushing and coordination between Child Find and myself with Maya’s insurance, she was given a referral to be evaluated.

I filled out a mountain of paperwork and waited for her evaluation on June 24.  We were lucky to not have had to wait too long, as many people wait a while on a long wait list.  As the evaluation approached, we heard increasingly that she did not seem to have the disorder.  I was just glad to be able to rule it out.  This of course made the actual diagnosis of her having high-functioning autism even more mind-boggling.  Every day, we look at her wondering if there was a mistake – at times it seems it was, and at others it achingly does not.

The material and books to read and learn about autism are immense and daunting.  How does a parent even find the time when we are overwhelmed and exhausted from the extra effort involved in raising a child with autism?  What little I have managed to read so far stands out with the message to look at my daughter specifically as the wonderful human being I know her to be and to learn directly from her about her and not get worried or weighed down by a label.

 

Learning About Autism

 Autism, Children, Finding balance, Motherhood, Parenting  Comments Off on Learning About Autism
Aug 282011
 

Maya 7.18.11

I started to learn about the neurological disorder autism when told my daughter may be on the spectrum.  The disorder is not black and white and has a huge grey range or spectrum where one may fall.  My daughter is fortunately on the high-functioning end.  I hesitate to use the word “fortunate.”  Over-all, I am fortunate to have this human being in my care, no matter where Maya is on the spectrum.  As any parent can appreciate, she is my precious child, no matter what issues she and I need to overcome or manage.

While I was waiting to have Maya evaluated, I was amazed at all the coverage the disorder receives these days.  It’s possible that I was more attuned to the topic and noticed it more due to my situation.  There was mention of the disorder being possibly caused by vaccines and as a result, some parents have refused vaccinations.  This has largely been proven to be a myth and is potentially dangerous to children.  There was mention of potential contaminants in the environment as a possible cause along with genetics.  It’s possible certain environmental situations “activate” the gene.  It is still unknown what definitively causes autism, though it’s generally understood that genes play a role.  It’s possible some relatives in a family have some level or mutation.

A parent can invest considerable energy trying to understand “how” and “why?”  I realized I could surf the web forever trying to get answers.  Meanwhile, Maya needs care and attention.  It became apparent I needed to balance my desire to understand with trying to be the best parent I can be to her now.  Whatever I do understand of her specific needs can be utilized immediately.  In that sense, there was some relief in getting the diagnosis because it helps me to understand some issues that did not make much sense to me.  I have a place to turn to now for answers rather than guessing or doubting myself as a parent.

A resource:

Lack of Eye Contact May Predict Level of Disability in Children with Autism

Parenthood and Perfectionism

 Attitude, Children, Finding balance, Finding Meaning, Motherhood, Parenting, Philosophy  Comments Off on Parenthood and Perfectionism
Mar 032011
 

Imperfect self-feeding

Parenthood and perfectionism is of course a misnomer.  I doubt there has ever been a parent that felt “perfect.”  Probably the biggest mistake parents make is to expect such a standard from themselves and then kick themselves for not reaching it.  Guilt seems synonymous with being parents.  We never feel we are doing enough or being enough for our kids.

A New York Times article on Perfectionist Parents points to a study that expectant moms that have the highest expectations of themselves as parents are more likely to suffer postpartum depression later when self-imposed standards are not met.  A reader shared advice from her doctor when she became pregnant:  “She explained that I had just lost control of my life and had nine months to make peace with it.  It was the best advice I was ever given on parenting.”  Another reader commented that she found parenthood to be the perfect antidote for perfectionism.

Maybe a solution is to allow for some mediocrity and then pat ourselves when we go above that.  It could mean less guilt and stress when our standard is not so high all the time.

Parents commonly compare their kids – I have been guilty of the same.  We want to know the status of our children by making sure they are doing at least what other kids their age and gender are doing.  Parenting is the only job and role where we don’t get feedback.  Even our marriage partners will certainly let us know if we fall in expected standards!

Alas, parenthood, expectations of perfection, and of course the resulting guilt go hand-in-hand.  There are not many parents that begin the day with thinking “I will just try to get through the day or just try to make sure that my child survives.”  However, it may help on certain days to just tell yourself, “hey, everybody made it alive today!”  And try to go to bed peacefully and without guilt…

“I’m bored, mom”

 Causes, Motherhood, Parenting, Philosophy  1 Response »
May 212010
 

Observing birds and their nests on a bridge during a nature walk on Mother's Day.

Boredom is a subject many moms are looking at these days as summer break approaches for our kids. It’s a dreaded, scary word that prompts mom to feel inadequate. That’s not a difficult feat for moms on any given day. Seems to be a part of motherhood – our constantly trying to reach the perfect image in our minds. This is continually challenged by a toddler as she continually goes into and touches things she should not – and worse yet, when these items need to be explored with her mouth.

As I’m trying to keep my toddler from eating and touching things she shouldn’t, I am trying to make certain my preteen is “entertained.” Since when did the role of entertainer become a part of motherhood? Kids are getting increasingly entertained by the media and my specialization of marketing. Parents have to be the follow-up act, and it’s tough to accomplish.

My son brought up yesterday that he was bored, after a full few minutes of being in-between activities. I told him that was good! We’ve been engaging in chats here and there about the idea of boredom as we approach summer break. Some of the agenda behind this is selfish, so I don’t get inundated with continuous preteen shows that I already know more about than I care to.

Moms, the next time your child mentions the dreaded “I’m bored” sentence, accept it as a healthy part of life rather than feeling guilty and like you have to be a clown for your child. It is healthy for children to have “down time” when they can reflect and imagine.

Remind your child that if they feel bored, it means they’ve lost touch with the fascinating world around them and that now they can be more conscious of it. When they were younger, boredom was not a concept they knew about. I point out to my preteen how my toddler never gets bored because everything is new and interesting. This is a concept we should retain forever!

In fact, I don’t know of a single adult that ever complains of boredom. At least not a parent. Adults work hard to go on vacation and maybe, hopefully, “get bored.”

Birds building nests under a bridge

Spring Cleaning – Preteen Boy’s Room

 Children, De-cluttering, Motherhood, Organizing  Comments Off on Spring Cleaning – Preteen Boy’s Room
Mar 042010
 

As the first signs of Spring are starting to be seen with the beginning of March, windows are being opened for some fresh air and thoughts of dusting, de-cluttering, organizing and Spring cleaning are not far behind.

From the Butterfly Pavillion

The starting point for my current spring cleaning is my son Colin’s room.  It’s been neglected.  It needs some upgrading to his current age, some organizing, lots of purging, and cleaning.  He has not kept up with the cleaning and the cleaning lady we recently had was being challenged figuring out her way around enough to clean.  She gave me the homework assignment of getting some bags of stuff out of there, which I had not completely complied with.

I have started by moving his bed to a different location – that always lends a different, refreshing perspective to a room.  That meant discovering a whole world under his bed.  Often, de-cluttering and cleaning for Colin has meant shoving as much as he can under the bed.  I’ve been pulling things out from under there, so it wasn’t too bad this time.  So initially, I cleared and cleaned the area his bed was going to cover and then put everything questionable to one side of his room, once the bed was moved.  This looks more cluttered than before.  But trust the process!

I’m trying to create “homes,” for his stuff, which I still need to do.  He has a big plastic tub (can’t have too many plastic bins!) that fits under his bed, which is now a home for art.  I have to find homes for all the other stuff piled to one side of his room.  Things gradually start to find groups and then you find a container to put them in and a logical place for the container.  As you create the homes and move stuff out, you see more and more space (and feel lighter!)

I am starting to learn some lessons, especially for getting together a preteen boy’s room:

  • Clear, covered plastic containers of all sizes solve many problems.  They keep dust at bay and keep things separate and easy to see.  I need a bigger one for his legos that no longer can be covered in the current container.  There are an abundant amount of small stuff to store and keep separate – pens, markers, etc.
  • Keep stuff to a minimum.  Colin’s room is not very big, so taking out unecesary stuff helps a lot.  This meant taking out a shelf that was only holding clutter.  Moving the bed to one side also freed up valuable playing space.   I have the vacuum handy to clean any new space as I go along.  With Colin’s help, we’ll go through his books to weed out those he’s read and outgrown, toys he has outgrown or doesn’t want to play with, and clothes that he no longer fits in.  These will be donated.
  • Every room needs some nature and greenery.  There are some small plants that I will put into a big pot to put in a corner of his room.  It should also help the air in his room.
  • Maintain the space regularly. A kid’s room needs constant maintenance to purge it of stuff that’s been outgrown.  With my 1 year-old, I keep a bag near her changing station to keep putting in clothes that no longer fit.  It’s a much more frequent process than with my son.  A preteen boy needs to be reminded regularly to maintain his room.  We’ve tried to have a set time, 8pm, when he needs to wind up his day, including watching TV, and take some time to get his room straight before retiring for the night.  This is still a work in progress.

He is very happy with his space once it’s done.  What needs work is having that pride stay long enough to keep maintaining the space to keep it in top condition.  What I find is that if the “vision” for the room strays too much, I have to go in there and re-haul it so he has an idea of what to work towards, which is what I am working on right now.  Hopefully, when he comes home from school today, he will have a wonderful surprise when he opens his bedroom door.

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My Daughter Turns 1

 Children, Motherhood, Parenting  Comments Off on My Daughter Turns 1
Feb 162010
 

My adorable daughter, Maya, turned one on February 8. We spread out her birthday celebration, doing different activities to accommodate her schedule. I am sharing some photos of this time period.

I look at her now and feel amazed at how intact she seems. I am so relieved and pray she continues to be healthy and happy. I think of all the issues and scares of the past year, feeling nervous about her fragile phases and worrying about various situations that I did not get perfect. There seemed to be soap that got in her mouth as an infant. Once her swing seemed to be swung too much and I worried about shaken baby syndrome. There’s been the constant threat of SIDS, that I hope she has graduated from. There have been many “bonks” as she learned to sit, stand, crawl, and now cruising in preparation for walking. Once she slipped off the couch, bonking her head. Stuff happened that I thought wouldn’t happen on my watch.

When she first learned to crawl, she crawled off the bed, completely freaking me out. The bed was no longer safe and I knew I would have to be constantly vigilant about where she crawled to, and navigate around my pets. Once she startled my sleeping Australian Shepherd (I didn’t notice he was where she crawled to) and ended up with a little cut in her ear and above her eye. I was freaked out again. I would have to referee better with him. I worry as she feeds the dogs from her high chair, holding out her tiny hand and crabbing my shepherd’s fur as he walks by.

I’ve generally been afraid of babies. I’ve thought they were cute, but too fragile to trust myself with. In fact, when I had my son in 1998, at 30, after 21 hours of labor, I wouldn’t hold him when he was offered to me. I was concerned about my strength at the moment and was afraid of dropping him. I was awkward trying to first put clothes on him, not sure about twisting his limbs into the clothes. Driving was a whole other concern.

I can’t say I’ve come far in my baby concerns since having my son, which my daughter has benefited from. In a sense, my experience validated my concern about their fragility. When he was two, he fell from a chair (while trying to turn the light switch on and off), just a few feet from me, and fractured his elbow. The total distance was about a foot, but he apparently fell wrong and I wasn’t fast enough in catching him. It seemed to happen in slow motion. A doctor asked, “why were you letting him climb on chairs?” Because I’m an irresponsible idiot! I had nightmares of him falling in slow motion for a long time.  I’ve felt for a long time like the best and easiest phase for me is adolescence – I can imagine many parents of adolescents cringe.

It may be a while, at least until Maya is five and going to kindergarten, that I will remain vigilant and before I can try to relax a little…

Blood-draw From Hell

 Children, Motherhood, Parenting  Comments Off on Blood-draw From Hell
Feb 082010
 

Today is my daughter’s 1st birthday!  In celebration, or rather, in poor planning, we had scheduled her one year doctor’s appointment this morning.  She had a few vaccinations at the doctor’s appointment and then we were sent nearby for a blood-draw.  We frantically tried to use her numbing ointment wherever we were told she would be pricked, but there seemed to be a disconnect between where we were told her blood-draw would be and where it ended up, so she didn’t have the ointment in the right place.

In hindsight, we should have rescheduled.  The ointment takes half an hour to take effect, and a blood-draw is more involved than getting a shot.  This would be her first.  We decided to “get ‘er done” since we were there and my husband had taken the time from work to help and be present.  My husband held Maya while I tried to distract her with a toy and hide the shot with a book (for both of us) while trying to feed her with her bottle.  It seemed to go on forever, but was maybe a minute or two when my husband said it was enough, while Maya continued crying.  I thought I was doing all I could to help my daughter survive the draw.

Maya - 11 Months

It turned out there was no blood drawn!  The aide was trying to find a vein!  All that time, she said nothing while pricking my daughter for nothing!  I don’t understand why she couldn’t just say she couldn’t find it before pricking her or during the unproductive process!  I would have told her to stop way before my husband did.  This unproductive process has been done with me and I know how painful it is (I had a whole line of co-workers watch while my arm was repeatedly pricked).  I can’t believe this was being done to my child, whose arm is a fraction of the width of mine.

I have a general frustration with some of the professional world that deal with children (and maybe shouldn’t), that seem to discount the pain kids feel.  It’s as if they think that if you can’t speak, you don’t feel pain, or that it somehow doesn’t matter.  I’ve read about surgeries done on babies with little pain relief.  It was after reading an article that I found out about the ointment we now use, which I requested a prescription for.  I don’t see why it wasn’t mentioned by the medical office or just used by them.  More and more, as a parent, I’m learning how proactive we must be in caring for and protecting our children.  It’s frustrating that we can’t always trust professionals in their care, at least not to the level we may want and prefer.

There are unfortunately many ugly realities of parenthood, with vaccinations and blood-draws being high on the list.  We can at least do what is within our power to make these ugly realities less so for our kids.

Letter To My Daughter, Maya

 Children, Motherhood, Outlook, Parenting, Rituals, Spirituality  Comments Off on Letter To My Daughter, Maya
Jan 282010
 

My daughter is turning one soon and I’m doing some soul-searching about myself and the messages I would be giving

Maya's first dressed-up professional photo at 11 months

to her.  Some thoughts were coming to me (in the shower) about what I would want to say to her (and how I should be living and role-modeling this).  I started a letter to capture some of these and am sharing, as I thought it may be food for thought with the start of the new year.

I plan to keep it in electronic form and keep adding to it.  It would be a nice ritual by adding to it annually, and give it to her before college.  I have a chest where I keep keepsakes for my two kids to have someday – maybe I will put it in there.  I separately started keeping notes about her development from the year.  In case I end up not being around in her future, I want to share with her what I have learned thus far, that may be of use to her.

Letter to my daughter, Maya

Dear Maya,

It is such a privilege and honor to have you in my life and be your mom.  In case I am not able to do so in person when you are an adult, I want to share some life lessons I’ve learned that I wish my mother relayed to me, which may be relevant for you.

  • You create your own happiness
    • Do not let anyone, especially a man, control your level of happiness
  • Do not wait to be rescued – only you can rescue yourself
    • People around you may not have the ability to rescue you.
      • You are empowering them to believe they can control you and your state
        • Don’t give away this basic power that is only yours
    • Know when you are behaving like a victim and projecting that out to the world.
  • As a female, it is important that you understand, embrace, and LIVE the word “empowerment.”
    • Many events that can be viewed with sadness, such as a relationship ending (which truly did not serve you), can be viewed as empowering, if you allow yourself to see it that way.
    • Know and respect your power and don’t give it away to others
  • You can only expect from others the level of respect you give yourself
    • Never settle on this – know and stand up for the level that you deserve
  • Embracing your intelligence, intellectually and emotionally, is a good thing
    • Do not feel ashamed, question, doubt, and disregard what you know in your heart to be true.

Above all, be open to giving and receiving love.  Know that I have and will always love you.

With all my heart,

Your Mom

For more food for thought, check out my expanding collection of Quotes and Food For Thought

The Perfection Curse

 Children, Education, Finding balance, Motherhood  Comments Off on The Perfection Curse
Nov 022009
 

IrisisFor much of my life, my ideals have led me towards perfectionistic tendencies.  It has meant I have often been harder on myself than was appropriate or kind.  Of course, there can be many reasons contributing to this tendency.  It is a common struggle for many and almost touted as a standard in the American culture.  This can lead to all sorts of problems.

Motherhood takes perfectionism to a whole new dimension.  Guilt becomes a constant companion to not measuring up to our perfect parental ideals.  In the early years of a child’s life, there seem to be an abundant amount of situations for moms to feel less than perfect.  Our children seem so fragile and we can feel so intimidated by that and their constant changes to keep up with, we could potentially make berating ourselves a part-time job.

Last night, a week before turning 9 months, Maya began officially crawling.  It was an exciting and scary milestone at the same time.  The milestone occurred a few hours after slipping on a couch pillow and bonking her head, which scared me.  She got over it and was fine.  I was not and kept repeating the situation in my head and analyzing it to figure out how it could have been prevented and how to make sure it never happens again.  There was a mini family meeting and the report from the analysis was provided.

As soon as Maya started creeping last night, she went straight for the computer chords under a desk.  The baby-proofing project must now officially begin.  Although I have gone through a cycle of child-rearing with my preteen son, I can’t say I’m more laid back with my daughter as a result.  If anything, recent experiences are prompting me to be less laid-back!  Forget trying to have a life of your own!  I must be hyper-vigilant and make sure no harm comes to my defenseless baby!  She is now a very curious, care-free, mobile child without any concept of consequences.  I pray over her every night after she goes to sleep because of SIDS.  There are so many issues to potentially be concerned about!

As my children grow and mature, they give me many opportunities to look at myself and grow along with them.  One gift I would like to pass on is peace with the desire for perfection.  It is ok to aim for something close, but it does not mean we should be unkind to ourselves for not consistently reaching that objective.  We just have to brush ourselves off and keep aiming for the best we can do.  We have to pat ourselves on the back as much as possible for trying and sometimes creating near-perfect moments that in the end maybe leads to a life we can feel mostly proud of.

Adventures in Eating and Teething

 Children, Motherhood, Parenting  Comments Off on Adventures in Eating and Teething
Oct 012009
 
Maya exploring finger foods at 7 months

Maya exploring finger foods at 7 months

My seven-month-old baby girl, Maya, has been going through an adventurous time lately.  It began with new-found discoveries in the exciting world of food and eating when she got a handle of the pincer grasp, where she could use two fingers to grasp food and bring it to her mouth (with increasing success).  It has been cute to watch small pieces of “o” shaped cereal be lifted up to her mouth, only to watch it fall to her lap.  At the end of a meal, she has to be dangled in the air to let all the food in her lap and elsewhere fall off.  I’ve felt so proud when the cereal or similar-shaped snack has made it to her mouth and even to her tummy.

Another not-so-amusing adventure has been with teething.  She has what seem to be two teeth emerging on the bottom of her mouth.  We have tried various remedies lately with differing success.  Last night, she woke up around 10pm and became inconsolable.  Besides giving her medicine, I held her, sang to her, nursed her (another adventure with new teeth!), changed her, gave her formula, and finally danced to jazz with her.  This seemed to soothe her somewhat and she babbled in bed with me, before becoming inconsolable again.  All this occurred after reading in the “What to expect” book about letting a baby this age “cry it out” for about 20 minutes so she knows how to put herself back to sleep and does not always expect all the things I did with her…***sigh***So it was with much sadness that I took her back to her crib, told her I loved her, turned on her mobile & aquarium, and walked back to my room, where I lowered the monitor and tried to relax listening to jazz and eventually used earplugs for a little while, watching the monitor as the light went up and down showing her crying.  I controlled myself from getting up and sure enough, after 20 minutes, the light was still, indicating she was asleep.  I crept into her room, and with much trepidation, managed to cover her more with a blanket without waking her up.  It was midnight by then, and I then began the task of trying to transition to sleep for myself.

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